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Dear Husband, Happy Father’s Day.

Jun15

An Open Letter to My Husband for Father’s Day

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There are a million ways I used to imagine my life playing out. There were those years I thought I should go into business, work in a high rise, and sip coffee at board meetings. There was a time I thought I might join the military and travel the world in uniform. There was even a time I imagined myself as a struggling artist in a studio apartment and loving every minute of it.

Being a mom was something I feared for a long time. I didn’t want the opportunity to “mess anyone up,” or so I told my friends.

This might be hard for you to imagine because motherhood has been in my mind for as long as you have known me. We met when the desire to become a mother was barely inching into my heart. I was still career driven, competitive in my field, eager to prove myself as an accomplished professional.

But God was doing a lot of remodeling in those days.

I have shared many times since then of the books God used to shape my passion for motherhood and marriage. You know it was a process, and that embracing the woman described in Proverbs 31 or the virtues mentioned in Titus 2 did not happen overnight. I wrestled with their priorities while I stressed over how their goals would look nothing like my goals.

I cringed at these women. I avoided these women.

You’ve heard all this before, though. Today, for Father’s day, I want to tell you the part of the story that you have probably never understood before — the part where God put you into my life and used YOU to finally convince me that this calling to marriage and motherhood was worth my passion.

There was a moment, back in college, when we were barely dating and I was barely hanging on to the things of God. We were driving down Monks Avenue, probably on our way to your house or back to campus after eating lunch, and we were talking about our views on family. We were stopped at the red light near the church where the Pastor who would one day lead us in wedding vows was probably hard at work in his office.

We were stopped at that light, and you told me that you wanted your someday-wife to be a full-time wife and mother. As our conversation continued, it became clear that what you really wanted in a spouse was one of the women I was avoiding in God’s Word.

You probably don’t remember this moment, but in that conversation God used you to pry my heart open wider to the possibility that my purpose was not wrapped up in the career path to which I aspired. I had been struggling through what it would really look like to be a woman of God in a world full of men I did not respect, and God put me in a conversation with a different kind of man, one who somehow made biblical womanhood easier for me to imagine for myself.

At that time, my greatest struggle in accepting God’s plan for marriage and the roles of husbands and wives was not that I didn’t want to be that woman, but that I had never in my life met someone that clearly aspired to be a biblical man.

Simply knowing you and witnessing your passion for God and His Word changed my life. It was not that you exemplified Christ-like living at the time, but that you desired to exemplify Christ-like living more than anything else.

It was not that you showed me a picture of the perfect man I thought I was looking for, but that you showed me an imperfect man who was not afraid to admit his need for God’s grace and mercy amidst his struggles and failures.

It was not that you exhibited strength and endurance as I had imagined men should, but that you failed and grew weary and were brave enough to pray tearfully in front of me for more of God in your life.

I never expected to fall in love with someone so imperfect, but I realize now that there is no better husband, father, and leader than one who is fully in need of Christ for his power and righteousness.

As my husband, you love to praise me as a wife and mother. You think I’m “the best” and you tell me all the time. I love that you see me this way, but I would not be this person I love to be — keeping our home, loving our children, or encouraging you each day — if you had not led me here. By showing me your love for God and your passion for His plans, you have inspired me every day to love God more and grow in my passion for His plans.

Which brings me to the point of this entire ramble: You are an incredible father.

You are a father who seeks God daily in prayer and the study of God’s Word, setting an example for your family as you rise before the sun every day to focus your heart on our perfect Father.

You are a father who loves your children by loving their mother like Christ loves the church, passionately and sacrificially.

You are a father who loves his children by leading their stubborn mother to love God more.

You are a father who inspires the mother of your children to want to be a better mother.

You are a father who fails and is not afraid to admit it and seek forgiveness, restoration, or change.

You are a father who sincerely grieves over sin and hungers for righteousness.

You are a father who demonstrates integrity and godly character in every area of your life, and you lead others to want to do the same.

You are a godly father whom I love and respect above any other earthly father, and I am extremely grateful to be able to make that statement and proclaim it to the world. I never imagined this would be my life, but God clearly had this in mind as he formed us into being.

Someday, our children will grow to understand how very blessed they were to be led and loved by you. A father like you is a gift that many children will never have. I pray that our sons will become just like you and our daughters will not settle for anything less than a man of your character and love for God (if God leads them to be married).

I know there are days you see more of your own failures than the grace that overcomes them. I look at you and see the power, grace, and worth of Jesus Christ. I respect the man you are because of the Man who died, and I pray our children will grow to do the same.

I love you, my husband and the father of my children, and this Father’s Day I am overcome with gratitude for who you are in my life and to our babies.  I could not be prouder to be your wife.

Happy Father’s Day, my love.

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Adjusting to Motherhood Update

Apr10

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It has been two months since I shared with all of you that I have struggled to adjust to motherhood when it comes to managing my home and everything that goes with it.  Here are some specific ways I wanted to grow in this struggle at that time:

  • Getting up one hour before my son. (And going to bed earlier!)
  • Developing a chore routine & learning to incorporate my little one.
  • Finding a meal planning approach that works well for my family.
  • Learning to be okay with unfinished projects & returning to them as time allows.  (This will be difficult for me, but it is so important.)
  • Better utilizing my husband’s days off without feeling guilty about missing “family time” or asking for his help. 

I am so grateful to sit here today with a report that some of these things have been getting better.  A lot better.  At the time I wrote that post, I was very discouraged and feeling like quite a failure.  I was looking at all of my missed opportunities to improve in these things, and feeling convicted of the laziness that was a part of it all.

I was tearful and, as I shared yesterday, brought face to face with my own pride in how I had approached these things in the past.  Despite the unpleasant feelings that sometimes come in these times of humbling conviction, I am so glad that I found myself in that place.  God used it to renew my mind and inspire change in my life, and today I want to share a little bit of what has been happening around here.

By no means am I cruising on easy street at this point, but I have been able to sustain some helpful changes and new habits that have impacted my entire family.  I will simply take each of the points listed above and share some of the practical things that have been making a difference.

Getting up one hour before my son. (And going to bed earlier!)

I’m getting there on this one, and daylight savings time helped a lot. (I never expected to say those words, like ever.)  Changing the clocks always forces me to adjust my sleep with the rest of the adult world, but thankfully my son doesn’t pay attention to a clock when it comes to his wake-up time.  This has meant that he is waking up around 7:30 each morning, rather than 6:30, and I am finding it much easier to beat him out of bed.

There are still mornings that I sleep in against my better judgement, and there are many nights that we miss our ideal bedtime of 10:00 by a longshot.  My husband sets a crazy good example by getting up before 5am each morning for prayer and Bible study, no matter what time we get to bed the night before.  I, on the other hand, do not wake up so willingly after a late night, which makes the early bedtime so, so important in my routine.

I realize that the new baby in September will completely disrupt any progress I make in these efforts, but my hope is that it will take me less time with this baby to adjust to a routine.  (I can dream, right?)

Developing a chore routine & learning to incorporate my little one.

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I have tried to “figure out” a chore routine that works for us so many times, and usually it changes from week to week.  I still can not claim to have figured out a great routine, as my son’s naps continue to vary in timing and length and we have a schedule in which no two days are ever alike.  BUT, I have been working on some habits that help the weekly chores feel less daunting and more under control.

  1. I timed myself while completing a variety of tasks. Knowing approximately how many minutes it takes me to fold a load of laundry, empty and/or fill the dishwasher, scrub the kitchen floor, vacuum, etc. has helped me manage my time more responsibly.  I found that I had a very wrong estimation of how time-consuming each task actually is, and that caused me to put it off because I felt I would not have time to complete it.  When I realized how quickly I actually complete these things, I found myself getting them done in the windows of time that I had often let slip by without being productive.
  2. I plan more effectively for interruptions.  My response to interruption in the past has been to feel discouraged and throw in the towel on the task I am trying to complete.  This was not working at all with a little boy who still needs his mommy’s help to reach things, climb things, and open things in addition to the unexpected messes he makes, diapers he fills, chemicals he tries to drink, and rules he tries to break.  I have been trying to be more intentional in handling interruptions quickly and patiently, meeting whatever need arises, and then involving the little ones (there are days I babysit another toddler) as much as possible as I finish it.  It has been a trial and error process, but being more intentional in how I handle interruptions has helped both me and my son feel less grumpy about chores!
  3. I ask myself what’s next and I do it.  Marci at Thankful Homemaker shared this advice for mothers of young children, and it has helped me immensely: “Do the next thing.”  It’s so basic, but it’s exactly what I need when my mind is spinning in a million different directions while caring for little children.

Finding a meal planning approach that works well for my family.

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I’ve been practicing my homemade pizza dough skills.

I’m really excited about this one.  Meal planning has been something that I’ve REALLY struggled with throughout our marriage.  In our first year of marriage I was cooking most of our meals at home, but I was spending upwards of $250 on groceries some weeks.  (Seriously!)  Because we were both working full-time, we were able to manage that cost into our budget.  I was planning meals, but I wasn’t doing it the smart way and the result was unused food going to waste each week and many lost dollars.

Transitioning from two incomes to one required me to think smarter about the money I was spending on food, but again I didn’t approach it the smart way and I hadn’t gotten any better at cooking inexpensive, healthy meals.  I struggled to make one grocery trip worth of food stretch through to the next one, and we were often having to dip into other parts of our budget to add to our food budget.  We were also eating out more than we could afford, and that was affecting our ability to save money and pay off debt as needed.

Since February, I’ve started using Plan to Eat and it has changed everything.  This online meal planning software has been exactly what I needed to help me approach meal planning the smart way.  I am spending less, seeing less food go to waste, and cooking a greater variety of healthy foods.  In the month of March, using this software, I did several things I had never done before: stayed under budget in our food category, stayed (well) under budget in our eating-out category, tried a new recipe every week, and cooked with yeast. 

I am a visual processor, and this software has helped me visualize my meal options, schedule, and grocery list all in one place.  It fits my style, and it fits my family’s needs.  I feel more equipped to plan meals effectively, and the benefits of that have trickled into our budget & our health as well as reduced the stress we have felt in the past at the “what’s for dinner” question.  After using Plan to Eat for a thirty-day trial, we felt that it was well worth $37 for 12 months, as it saved us far more than that in one month alone.

Here is one of the most important things I changed in addition to using this software:  I stopped planning the core days of my ”cooking week” on Monday through Friday and instead planned Friday through Monday as major cooking days.  As a family in ministry, our schedule during the week includes several rushed dinner hours.  By taking that into account, it made much more sense for me to cook large meals throughout the weekend while my husband was able to help with things, use the crock pot on Mondays, and use Tuesday through Thursday for left-overs or sandwiches.

By changing how I approach the meal schedule, we have been far less tempted to eat out & my husband has also had the convenience of more leftovers for his lunch throughout the week.

Learning to be okay with unfinished projects & returning to them as time allows.

This one continues to be a work in progress, as they all are.  The things I have already mentioned above in the chore routine section have helped me with some of this, especially figuring out ways to incorporate my son into some of these tasks when possible.

Much of this is a spiritual battle for me, as I see a great deal of my own pride welling up in the moments when my plans are interrupted and I am left with no choice but to set them aside.  I have been trying to notice these moments of anger and frustration as they happen and pray for patience and humility.

It is amazing how much better our days go, for all of us, when I respond gently to the more difficult moments. 

Better utilizing my husband’s days off without feeling guilty about missing “family time” or asking for his help.

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The more my husband and I talked about this one, the more I realized these “guilty” feelings had very little to do with him and a lot to do with my own insecurities.  The truth is, my husband LOVES cleaning, and I am well aware of this.

He grew up in a spotless home and cleaning actually relaxes him.  Of course, the opposite is also true – excess mess makes it difficult for him to relax.  While we both agree that our goal is not spotless, we do appreciate keeping things as neat as we can in our living space.

That being said, I had let the pressure of knowing he likes a clean home stress me out, but I had not talked through it with him enough to better understand his expectations and utilize his love for cleaning.  It turns out, he had no idea I was feeling so stressed out about this stuff, and he was pretty sad to know I was feeling this way.

So here are some things I’ve been trying to do to involve him without feeling guilty:

  1. I declare the occasional “deep clean day” on one of his days off.  This probably doesn’t work in every marriage, but when you have a husband who loves to clean this can be as exciting as a wife saying, “why don’t you go play football with your friends all afternoon.”  I’ve set aside the guilty feelings and started to view these days of tag-team parenting and to-do lists as a special version of quality family time.  The benefits carry over for a couple of weeks into my daily routines, and when they run out I just declare another one.
  2. I let my desire for “fun” family time motivate me to be more diligent in finishing chores first.  While before, I would procrastinate the chores as I enjoyed our time together over morning coffee and slow mornings, our days are so much more “fun” when I just get things DONE and then relax with my family.  Again, this might seem like common sense to some of you, but it has required me to think intentionally and take action when I feel like doing nothing.
  3. I’m learning to take joy in listening to my husband and son play together without being involved.  I used to feel like I was missing out in these moments, but I’ve realized there is something so sweet about observing from a distance.  Cooking has become much more fun for me as I chop vegetables and stir pots while soaking up the sounds of my son and husband giggling, jumping, reading, etc.

Wrap Up

I realize none of the things I’m doing are new or revolutionary in the world of home and family, but it has been a work of grace in my life that I am able to look back on the last two months and see evidence of progress.  As basic as these things may be, I spent far too long feeling frustrated with my failures, and yet I never took serious steps to move beyond them and grow in my skills.

I have finally started to experience joy and freedom in my homemaking efforts, and I know that this would not be true if I had continued to lean on my own strength and pride as I had for most of my son’s life.  God is so good, and I am looking forward to continuing in this journey as I lean heavily on His grace and power.

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Finding Perfection in Homemaking

Apr9

Sofa in the room

Let me start by confessing I have not been looking forward to writing this post.  When I received the schedule of topics for this year at Visionary Womanhood, the thought of writing about spring cleaning and home organization was one more reminder among dozens that I do not have it all together as a homemaker.  It was another reminder of how little wisdom I have to offer on this topic and how much I hate that this is true.

Join me today over at Visionary Womanhood to read what I had to say in spite of my lack of wisdom: Click here to go directly to this post!

5 Questions to Identify the Idols of Your Heart

Mar20

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The First and Greatest Commandment

The first commandment in Exodus 20:3 states, “You shall have no other gods before me.”  We later see Jesus, in Matthew 22:37-38, restate this saying “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.”

Many of us have committed these verses to memory, and we know in our minds that this single commandment is more important than any other.  In fact, if we are fully obedient in loving God with all of our heart, soul, and mind, we will easily be obedient to the rest of His commandments.

Failure, Grace, and Change

Still, we fall short.  We fall short of obeying the first commandment in spite of our own striving and good intentions.  We commit sins against a righteous God every day, and every single one of them is rooted in our failure to love Him and worship Him above all else.  If it were not for God’s grace given to us through the sacrifice of his son, we could never measure up to God’s expectations for us.

We do not want to be Christians who take this grace as a license to sin in whatever ways we please, however.  The love of God within us will fuel a desire to be obedient to him and seek forgiveness when we fall short.  As we seek to be transformed by God each day and flee from all sin, identifying the idols in our lives and turning away from them is a critical part of our sanctification.  Not a day goes by in my life that I do not feel God convicting me of an idol I have built up in my heart, and I find myself repenting yet again for breaking the first and greatest commandment.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself

Be praying that the Holy Spirit would be convicting you of things that have become idols in your heart and lead you to repentance. It may help to ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is there anything I acknowledge, consider, or treat as equal or comparable with God?

“To whom will you liken me and make me equal and compare me, that we may be alike?” Isaiah 46:5

Though our first response may dismiss this with a definite “no,” we might find that there are ways in which our actions and practices reveal otherwise.  Are we truly believing God to be supreme over all else, or are we claiming to believe that while toasting idols with our time, energy, and resources? 

  • Is there something I turn to when I should be turning to God?

 ”Do not turn to idols or make for yourselves any gods of cast metal: I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 19:4

When I have a need or a desire, to what do I turn?  Am I turning to food for comfort? Are my friends or family my first and greatest source of counsel or encouragement when my soul is weary?  When I am desperate for strength, am I turning confidently to my coffee cup?

  • Is there an area of my life in which I serve created things, rather than the creator?

“Because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator…” Romans 1:25

In everything I do, what purpose am I serving? To please God, or something under God?  To better myself, or to better God’s kingdom?  To succeed in worldly tasks, or to succeed in God’s commands?

  • Am I trusting in something less than God for the fulfillment of something promised by God?

“I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols, but I trust in the Lord.” Psalm 31:6

Do I trust that God provides for my material needs, or am I trusting in myself, my abilities, my job, my husband’s abilities, my husband’s job, the American economy, the natural world and all that it produces?  Do I trust in the promise of God’s love for me, or am I trusting more in the human love that is offered to me by my spouse, my friends, my family?  Do I trust that God’s grace is sufficient and I am forgiven, or do I trust in my own good works and acts of restoration and reconciliation?

  • Are there sacrifices being made for purposes other than God’s glory?

“They sacrificed to demons that were no gods, to gods they had never known, to new gods that had come recently, whom your fathers had never dreaded.” Deuteronomy 32:17

Am I failing to give to God or tithe faithfully because I have given too much time and money to unnecessary purposes?  When I make sacrifices, are they for the betterment of God’s kingdom and intended to bring him more glory?  Or are my sacrifices primarily for the betterment of my lifestyle, my family, my personal goals, or my public image?

The Grace of Conviction

As I have studied this topic and put together this list of questions, I have felt a heavy weight of conviction over the idols to which I’ve been serving, trusting, turning, and sacrificing.  Thankfully, God has been teaching me lately that the conviction of sin and the ability to repent of that sin is truly a message of God’s love and mercy on my life.

It is God’s mercy that we are not left to chase after worldly things that will leave us empty and wanting for more.  It is God’s mercy that he speaks truth to us and guides us to a life of fullness in Him.  It is His mercy that we feel the weight of conviction at all and we are made aware of our need for a savior, each and every day of our lives.

So if you have asked yourself the questions above and felt that weight of conviction as I have, my prayer is that you will rejoice in the mercy that we are given to repent and seek after something far greater than our perishing idols.  Approach repentance with humility, be honest with yourself and with God, and seek to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind.    

There is far greater joy and fullness in a life that is free from idols and focused on the one true God.  We were created to have that joy, and God’s desire is to give it to us.  We must seek it from Him, however, and leave behind anything that is pretending to offer it in His place.

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Respect for Your Husband

Mar11

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Our pastor has been preaching a series on the family for several weeks now, and we just finished two weeks on the Christian woman and the Christian wife. As you probably know, biblical womanhood is a topic I am quite passionate about because, well, I am a woman who wants to live biblically and encourage other women to do the same.

Yesterday’s sermon included the precious point that the Christian wife should be respectful toward her husband. Respect, something I rebelled against most of my life, has not always come easily to this prideful and selfish young woman. I continue to learn and grow in this area, both through gracious lessons from God as well as the consequences of my foolish mistakes.

Because I truly do respect my husband, I strive to demonstrate that respect in practical ways by speaking highly of him in private and public. I also focus on ways to build him up in Christ as much as possible.

In our marriage, we have found that the most important way for me to maintain an attitude of respect for my husband is by intentionally refraining from disrespectful words and actions.

Here are some examples of disrespectful acts that are not welcome in our marriage:

Interrupting my husband while he is talking, especially when speaking in front of others.

Correcting my husband or pointing out his mistakes in front of others.

Sharing or complaining about his mistakes and weaknesses with friends or family members.

Laughing at him or criticizing him for doing something differently or less effectively than I would.

Reminding my husband of past failures and applying his past failures to my future expectations.

Rolling my eyes at him as he speaks, while I speak about him, or when I respond to him.

Speaking about my husband as though I take pity on him for his ignorance on a certain topic or his failed efforts to succeed at a particular task.

Sadly, it has taken a few rounds of experience to learn that these are ways that I can knock my husband down quickly and efficiently. An attitude of disrespect cuts into a man’s heart like a knife and twists the blade far beyond the moments of meanness from his wife. Actions like those listed above not only hurt the husband, but also nurture a sinful, disrespectful attitude in a wife.

I am learning to hate the way it feels to tear down my husband’s spirit, though I still catch myself in acts of disrespect at times.  As I grow in my love for my husband, and God continues to humble me more and more each day, I am able to see the destruction more clearly and run from it.

I am blessed with friends who share the same priority of respect for their husbands, and they help me to stay truly respectful when the world is telling me that this kind of attitude is perfectly acceptable.  Surrounding yourself with women who are also seeking to live biblically is so crucial as we strive to be the wives God calls us to be.

Are there any other examples of disrespectful actions that you have banned from your marriage relationship?

In what ways have you had to repent in order to nurture a respectful heart toward your husband?

What is the hardest part when it comes to stopping disrespectful interactions?

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The Best Practical Advice I Have Ever Received

Jan8

Corrie Ten Boom Quote

Starting out in a new stage of life as a young adult is full of a million unknowns and mistakes waiting to be made.  As Christians, we take our first steps into these stages with faith in a God who has a plan.  While mistakes will undoubtedly come and teach us along the way, sometimes we are saved from a few mistakes or encouraged to make better choices through the practical advice of trusted friends, family, and mentors.

I was so blessed to receive helpful advice from wiser and more experienced women as I embarked on the newness of adult life, and I want to share some of the most valuable pieces of that advice.  Some of these I followed perfectly and was blessed to find my advisors had been 100% correct.  Other pieces of advice I set aside and learned the hard way that I should have listened, and in the consequences of my ignorance they continue to echo in my mind as wisdom I desire to pass on and somehow save others from the mistakes I made.

So here it is, a list of the best pieces of practical advice I have ever been given, put into my own words in most cases.  Pass them on or chew on them for your own benefit, and feel free to add to my list with your own bits of wisdom gathered over the years.

As a First Time College Student

Credit cards can be tools, but they become weapons of self-harm when used carelessly.

Schedule an 8:00 AM class every semester of college and never miss it, no matter how much you like starting the day at noon.  You’ll make better use of your time and stay on schedule with the rest of the world.

Sit in the front row for lecture.  Whether you excel at the subject or not, sitting in plain view of your instructor will almost always have a positive impact on your grade.

If you use a dish, clean a dish.  If you make a mess, clean it up.  Leaving it until later will almost always lead to bigger messes and annoyance for you or the people with whom you live.

Read your written assignments out loud to yourself before they are due.  You’ll catch and correct more mistakes, usually resulting in a better grade.

Get internships, even when they are not required.

Take time to send written thank-you notes to potential employers and others in your field of study who have shared any kind of time and wisdom with you.  Job shadow, thank-you note.  Help with research, thank-you note.  Internship opportunity, thank-you note.  Feeling thankful? Thank-you note.

At the Start of My Career

Always ask someone you trust, two people if possible, to proof read your resume and application letters. (No matter how good you are at catching your own mistakes.)

Don’t hesitate to apply for jobs for which you feel only slightly qualified.  Sometimes the perfect candidate comes from a related field, and employers are often open to a variety of educational backgrounds.

For an interview, dress yourself a level above the dress code of your potential employer.  If the employees wear jeans to work, be interviewed in dress slacks.  If the employees wear dress slacks, wear a skirt, dress, or pants suit with jacket.

Take care of your finger nails.

Don’t participate in the office gossip.

You always have a lot to learn, but especially when you start out.  Stay humble and pay attention in training.

If you meet resistance, change your approach. (This is particularly applicable in my field of counseling, but can apply in other areas as well.)

An honest employer with a likable character is worth far more than a large paycheck and the alternative.

As a New Bride

Don’t keep secrets.  Surprises are usually okay.

Don’t get ahead of yourselves.  Your parents did not start out with the spacious home, furniture, and income you came to know as a child.  There is much wisdom in starting small and being content with simple and frugal.

It’s okay to disagree and argue, but stay kind to one another and always maintain a goal of unity.

Talk through differences in your marriage with your spouse, not your best friend, your mother, your sister, your cousin, or the neighbors.

Figure sex out together, not with a book or a video.  If problems arise that can not be resolved through honest communication (and practice), agree to seek trusted counsel together.

Cooking and meal planning are not as easy as you think.  Get started right away, because you’ll need the practice before the children come along.

Not every meal needs to contain meat.

Choose neutral, cool colors for the majority of your home decorating space (walls, carpet, large furniture), and utilize bolder colors as the accents.  This will make redecorating cheaper in the long run, make a home you own easier to sell, and will also create a more soothing home environment.

As a New Mom

There are no stupid questions.

Pregnancy will cause changes in your body that your mother never warned you about.

Lanolin ointment can be used during pregnancy to prepare your skin for breastfeeding, and it REALLY helps.  (I used Lansinoh brand.)

Wait until after you have the baby to buy most of your nursing bras.  It’s hard to anticipate what size you will be.

You do not need all the items that your baby registry suggests you need.  (Not even close).  Talk to a real mom who lives on a budget and find out what is actually necessary and at what age the baby will need it.

If you are already worried, you probably shouldn’t Google it.  Call the doctor instead.

You can survive hours of intense physical pain, weeks without enough sleep, and a year of breastfeeding on demand, all while keeping a positive attitude.

All the advice you’re getting is truly meant to be helpful, no matter how annoying or unwelcome it may become.  Say, “thank-you” and smile.

It’s okay for your baby to cry for no reason, get cold, eat germs, run a mild fever, and about a million other “bad” things you’ve been warned about.

Keep up with your friendships.  Mothering gets very lonely without them.

What about you?  What words of wisdom were you given at these stages of life that have stuck with you throughout the years?  Are you as thankful as I am for this kind of practical advice?

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Sweet Older Friend, I Have Favors to Ask

Dec19

Friendship

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” ~ Titus 2:3-5

Dear Older Woman,

I have favors to ask, and the depth of your faith makes you right for the tasks.

May I come to you to learn what is good?  Not the good of this earth that brings praise for my works, but the good of the Lord that earns eternal reward?

May I come to you, who are reverent and careful with your words, to be trained to love my family?  Not a love that expects a thing in return, but the kind that seeks nothing and does not have to be earned?

Will you teach me to be self-controlled? Not the kind that can boast in the do’s or do not’s, but the kind fueled by grace and the freedom of the Cross?

Can you show me how to live a life that is pure? Not the kind that looks nice to those outside, but the kind that dwells deep in a heart that’s refined?

Do you have any secrets for working at home? Not a work that’s routine, self-sufficient, and honed; but the kind that needs Jesus and is making Him known?

I’m embarrassed to ask, but I need help being kind.  It’s too easy to fake, and I know that’s not right.  Teach me to be it with my heart not my mind, a heart full of Christ not of my own trying.

While you’re here, can we talk about this submission thing, too?  It seems a little outdated, but that’s not so with you.  I need you to tell me how you live it so beautifully, and help me to do it a little more gracefully.

There is so much to learn, and many offer lessons, but I need the kind that care less of impressions.  So if you have time and are ready to share, my pen is in hand and my heart I’ll lay bare.

Humbly I ask, though boldly through Christ,

A Young, Needy Friend, Mother, and Wife

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Ministry Wives: Live a Visible, Exemplary, Everyday Life

Nov28

I have been processing an article I read on the Desiring God blog the other day to ministry leaders entitled: Brothers, Live a Visible, Exemplary, Everyday Life, and I’d like to share some of my thoughts with all of you.  If you are a ministry leader or wife of a ministry leader, I think you will find this article both encouraging and challenging.

Jeff Vanderstelt, the author of this article, is speaking out of his experience mentoring and coaching church leaders in North America.  His observation, he states, is that many pastors are living and leading in such a way that disqualifies them as elders in their own churches.  With an introduction like that, being married to a man who is ordained as a pastor and has been found biblically qualified to serve as an elder, I couldn’t help but continue reading.

He expands his statement by addressing three primary points:

1) Pastors are not living and leading “among” the flock, as exhorted in First Peter 5:2-4.

2) Many pastors are not “living the life they call everyone else in their congregation to live.”

3) Pastors often ”fail to live out the biblical requirements for overseers that we find in 1 Timothy 3:1–7 and Titus 1:7–9.”

As I read through this article and considered the questions he was asking of pastors in the context of each point, I was confronted with the crucial role of the pastor’s wife as her husband’s helper in living a “visible, exemplary, everyday life.”  The challenging truth here is that if I am resistant to living a visible, exemplary, everyday life, my husband will likely fail to live and lead in a way that maintains the biblical qualifications of pastor. 

As the wife and helper to a church leader, I can not ignore the depth of my influence on my husband’s ability to answer the following questions with answers that are above reproach:

“Are you living in such a way that people can see your life and follow your example?” In other words, is your daily life visible, accessible, and reproducible? Not visible and accessible to everyone, of course — your life and home are just not that big, and hopefully you are not the only leader. But is your life visible and accessible to everyday people? Can people see your marriage, your parenting, your interaction with neighbors and others? From watching your life, can they see what their life would look like if they loved Jesus and lived for him daily?  (Emphasis added.)

A bit further down in the article he asks:

Do they see you struggle as a parent, work through tension with your wife, repent from your idolatry and regularly share how in need of grace you are?

It is this portion of the article, on living visibly “among the flock” that has been particularly thought-provoking for me, in addition to the portion on hospitality.  You see, in my marriage, I recognize that my husband is far more comfortable with this level of openness than I am, and any hesitation on his part to open our lives up more fully is usually out of a desire (or pressure) to protect me and my comfort.

Though I am generally a more open and transparent person, I can not help but admit that I still draw my privacy lines quite boldly around my family and my home life.  This is by no means an effort to hide anything or to present an appearance of a life that is somehow more exemplary than our reality, it is simply an effort to keep things comfortable and in some ways easier.  In other words, it is often my own selfishness and laziness.  We let people in, of course, and we open our home to friends and church family, but rarely to a degree that crosses my comfortable lines of privacy.

I may be more than willing to tell you about our family life and invite you in to join us on occasion, but am I regularly striving to help my husband live a visible, exemplary, everyday life?  Am I open to letting people into our everyday life, even when things might be a bit messy in more ways than one?  I think that I have too often bought into the view of “home” Vanderstelt mentions here:

I have found too often that pastors have given themselves a pass on this one [hospitality]. They often say that their home is their refuge, and fail to remember that Jesus is our refuge, not our homes.

As a wife and a homemaker, am I overly concerned about creating a refuge for my husband? Have I lost sight of the truth that Vanderstelt points out about our homes as he continues:

Our homes are one of the primary places of ministry according to the Scriptures. Our churches need to see pastors lead by example in this area so their example will lead to every Christian home becoming a place of ministry for those outside of the family of God.

Am I restricting the use of my home as a primary place of ministry in order to protect my own comfort and laziness?  Sadly, the answer is too often “yes.”  My incredible, exemplary pastor of a husband has visions of regular coffee and breakfast invitations for our neighbors, knocking on doors as a family just to say hello and get acquainted, weekly small groups in our home, and a family life that is fully integrated with the church and community we serve.

Do you know what my heart response to these visions has been in the past? “But this is our home, our safe place of rest…I want to protect that.”  Ouch. Really? 

If there is one way my husband has always loved me well, it has been in his tender concern for my heart and willingness to protect it at all costs.  In many ways, I am more sensitive to criticism than he.  I become shy and nervous in new situations, and he does not.  I find myself unsure of what to say to make another person feel comfortable, and I become anxious as a result, while this is one of his greatest strengths in ministry.  He knows all of these insecurities I have, and I know he desires me to let them go.  I sit here confronted with the knowledge that I need to get past these things and follow my husband into a more visible, exemplary, everyday life. 

If I am going to help my husband lead the world to Jesus, I need to reevaluate my vision of home and its purpose.  I need to deeply consider areas where I am doing a disservice to his qualifications as a pastor, and I need to joyfully pursue changes in my heart by the work of the Holy Spirit. 

Whether your husband is a pastor or not, I urge every Christian to look at their families and their homes as a ministry of the Gospel.  For many of you, your husbands might not be pastors, but they are most definitely ministry leaders.  As wives, our roles in the areas mentioned in Vanderstelt’s article pack challenges in our approach to family life and homemaking, and my hope is that you are meeting those challenges more effectively than I.

If you are not, however, I ask that you consider what changes God might be leading you to make in these areas.  Are you having a negative impact on your husband’s ability to live and lead in a visible way?  What is God calling you to as your husband’s helper, and how can you be obedient in that calling? Can you relate to my response here?

Ministry wives, do you have any additional thoughts on the article as it relates to our role?

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What do you mean by “Biblical Womanhood?”

Nov27

It’s a valid question, and one that has been answered by many from a variety of perspectives.  Someone that does not consider the Bible as authority in their life, for example, might dismiss the concept quickly and label it archaic or oppressive without any deeper consideration.  A person who has not studied the Bible with regard to context and in light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ would also likely answer this question with very negative conclusions.

Sometimes even those who do consider the Bible as authority in their life and study it with regard to context and in light of the Gospel have a critical definition of the phrase “biblical womanhood.”  At the base of their criticism is often the observation that women striving for biblical womanhood can become absorbed in the texts of Proverbs 31 & Titus 2 and character studies on the well-known women in the Bible, and as a result fail to dig deeper into the Bible as a whole.  In other words, critics might see promoters of biblical womanhood as neglecting the “biblical” part and spending too much time on the “womanhood” part.

Because I consider myself a promoter of biblical womanhood, and I recognize the broad spectrum of criticism towards this concept, I find it worthwhile to share where I stand.  While I support biblical womanhood,  I also agree with the concern that it can become too heavily based on the limited areas of the Bible that specifically apply to women.  For this reason, I want to share with you the most important elements of my definition of ”biblical womanhood.”

The Heart of Biblical Womanhood

As I have grown to embrace this idea of biblical womanhood, it has not been out of love and obedience to the text of Titus 2 or Proverbs 31.  It is not based on the lives of women in Scripture, and it is not heavily informed by the lessons learned from a Titus 2 mentor woman in my life.

The heart of my pursuit of biblical womanhood is found in the following verse:

All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. ~ 2 Timothy 3:16

All Scripture is inspired by God.  All Scripture is profitable for teaching.  All Scripture is profitable for rebuking and correcting.  All Scripture is profitable for training in righteousness.  In light of these truths, my definition of a biblical womanhood is as follows:

A Christian life that is characterized by both the God-given identity of female and an affirmation of the following statements:

  • All of Scripture is inspired by God and therefore authoritative and applicable in the life of a Christian.
  • Because all of Scripture is profitable for teaching, a Christian woman must seek to LEARN from the Bible as a whole.
  • Because all of Scripture is profitable for rebuking and correcting, a Christian woman must yield to it with repentance and change when called.
  • Because all of Scripture is profitable for training in righteousness, a Christian woman must train in righteousness with all of Scripture as her guide.

When I tell you that I desire to promote biblical womanhood on this blog, my intention is to promote the message that Christian women are intended to live in obedience to the Word of God as a whole.  That is to say that our lives must acknowledge the authority of all Scripture with regard to context and in light of the Gospel, including texts that specifically apply to women but certainly not elevating those texts to a level of higher importance than any other.   

A biblical woman is not a wife and/or mother who is training in the righteousness of marriage, parenting, and homemaking, though striving for righteousness in such roles is a clear, holy calling.  A biblical woman, in my understanding, is a Christian woman who not only reads Scripture and believes it, but diligently responds to it in obedience.  A woman who believes God has authority over her life and is being transformed by His Spirit with the truth of God’s Word is indeed a promoter of biblical womanhood.

Why does it matter?

You might be reading this and thinking, “Well, that’s basically a description of a biblical Christian, male or female.  Let’s just call it biblical personhood.” Why even bother with the phrase “biblical womanhood?”

While some have responded to that very question by landing on “biblical personhood” and abandoning “biblical womanhood” altogether, I believe that there are historical, cultural, and [above all] biblical reasons to maintain the fight distinctly for biblical womanhood, as well as biblical manhood.  I’ll briefly touch on these three reasons in reverse order.

First, biblically, if we are to consider all of scripture as a complete, inerrant work that is interpreted using the entire text collectively, I don’t believe we can interpret any one part without consideration to the whole.  Part of that whole is the truth in Genesis that God created man and then created woman as a suitable helper for man.  It is significant that the suitable helper He created was not another man, identical in form and gifting.

It is significant that the missing piece of his perfect creation was, in fact, something similar to but substantially different than man.  In creating a helper that was “suitable,” it can be concluded that those differences are significant in meeting specific needs within creation.  He created woman, an equal recipient of God’s love and of equal purpose to love and worship God, but different in her strengths, abilities, and attributes and their function within all of creation.  He could have created the human race to function with only one sex, man or woman, capable of reproduction and sustainment of life, but he did not.  As a promoter of biblical womanhood, I am saying that this fact matters, and it influences how I interpret and apply the rest of Scripture.

Texts that specifically address the roles of men and women and indicate differences in areas of service, responsibilities, and gifting provide essential insight into God’s design for his people.  Because I was created to be a woman, knitted together in my mother’s womb by a God with a plan, and therefore fearfully and wonderfully made to be different from man, I believe that I am uniquely suited to glorify God and serve Him in ways that someone created male could never fulfill.  As a woman, I am capable of displaying God’s character to the world in a way that is different from a man, and also complementary to a man’s ability to display God’s character.  By pursuing biblical womanhood, I am saying that this fact matters in my overall vision and pursuit of a life that glorifies God.

In addition to the belief that interpreting Scripture as a whole demands consideration of biblical manhood and womanhood, history has taught us time and time again that the passages of Scripture that specifically address differences between male and female have been some of the most dangerously misused, poorly interpreted, attacked, and correctively questioned.  This abuse of God breathed truth is so pervasive throughout history, both within the Church and outside of it, that I believe a failure to stand firmly beside it with conviction and adequate apologetics is also a failure to protect the integrity of the Bible as a whole and the sound doctrine of the Church inspired by it. 

A rejection or distortion of small portions of the Bible is a rejection or distortion of the entire Bible.  The portions that portray God’s unique design for men and women must be carefully interpreted and applied in order to best represent the complete work of Scripture in the face of persecution and false teaching.

Finally, I believe the impact of feminism on our culture and even within the Church has broadly distorted the meaning and authority of Scripture as a whole, and their point of entry has been the Bible’s depiction of women and flowed into almost every area of faith and practice.  There is a spiritual war happening throughout this world, and I believe one of the most crucial battles is taking place as women (and men) everywhere are creating their own truth in place of God’s design for His creation, and convincing God’s people to do the same.  The clear presence of this battle can not be ignored as it seeks to deteriorate the authority of all Scripture by making a mockery out of many parts of Scripture.  By promoting biblical womanhood, I am declaring my position within this battle and guarding against the ever-present temptation to compromise the authority of Scripture.

While I consider this a brief and limited explanation of my stance, I hope that it helps clarify what I mean when I refer to biblical womanhood here on the blog.  I know some of you are quite familiar with this concept, while others are still unsure of what I intend to communicate with the phrase “biblical womanhood” and have asked me to explain.

For additional information from people far more qualified to write on this topic than I, please visit the True Woman website and the list of affirmations found in the True Woman Manifesto, which most closely represent where I stand on this issue.

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Facebook: Where Lust and Seduction Get Comfortable

Oct16

I read an article recently which suggested that Facebook can become a gateway to porn.  One of the real life examples the author referred to included a situation where a young man sat intensely gazing on picture after picture of the same girl for all of fifteen minutes.  The same girl…for fifteen minutes…on Facebook.  He also mentions observing young men, whom he knew were struggling with pornography, had been liking and commenting on a great number of pictures of these girls.

Do his observations come as a surprise to me? Not at all.  Do I think it’s a problem that Christian men are having lustful thoughts as they browse Facebook photos? Absolutely.

Lust is definitely a problem.

Pornography is definitely a problem.

But I don’t want to let seduction off the hook.

After many years of serving with youth groups and counseling at camps, I am connected with a great number of Christian teens and twenty-somethings through Facebook.  On any day of the week, I could log into my Facebook account and find you a dozen pictures that were self-taken by some of these girls and shared with all of their Facebook friends earlier that day.  Quite often, these pictures have been taken in the privacy of a bedroom or bathroom and frequently include revealing clothing, extra make-up, and an intense gaze at the camera.  As if that is not suggestive enough, some even portray themselves in seductive positions as well.

This is a problem.

The fact that a daughter of Christ is offering the opportunity for these men to view dozens, at times hundreds, of somewhat-sexual pictures of herself is definitely a problem.

These pictures are communicating a sexual message, and I’m not really sure we as Christians know how to confront it yet.  I’m not even sure we know how to interpret it.  We read in Proverbs 7 of the adulterous woman, dressed provocatively with crafty intent, who leads men astray with persuasive words and lurks on every corner, but this is Facebook we’re talking about.  Facebook is innocent, right?

While I don’t believe simply posting these photos on Facebook classifies a girl as an adulterous woman, I think we are in denial if we fail to see the parallels between the Proverbs 7 woman and the women portrayed through the Facebook lives of our daughters, granddaughters, youth group girls, or any other women we know that are frequently sharing seductive self-portraits.  Combine the public photo sharing with the private conversations they might be having online, and you have yourself a Proverbs 7 woman lurking on a virtual street corner.

In addition to a sexual message, these pictures also communicate a heart message.  It might be a heart that is yearning for affection from men.  They might be seeking to feel valuable and worthy in the eyes of others and believing that value and worth are found in worldly beauty.  It might be a jealous or lonely heart, combined with the above desires.  Dare I suggest it might be a self-focused heart with a narcissistic view of themselves?  Or a related heart that is self-focused with a self-deprecating view of themselves seeking compliments to convince themselves otherwise?  It might simply be a heart message that says, “I value charm and beauty more than the fear of the Lord.”

None of the above messages should go unaddressed.  If you are a woman of influence in a young girls life, there are many reasons to confront any suggestive patterns you are seeing on Facebook.

But how do we confront it?

I don’t claim to have a great answer, and I would love to hear some biblical suggestions.  I think the first distinction we must make is that the heart behind the action is more important than the action itself.  What heart desire are they trying to fill by creating these albums and sharing themselves in this way?

More than likely, it is either a sinful desire of the flesh, or a desire that can and should be filled by Christ.  For example, if they are seeking affirmation that they are worth something to someone, it is only in Christ they will find true worth.  Dig into their lives with love and concern, seek to understand the desires of their hearts, and be prepared to combat lies with the truth of Scripture.

In addition to genuine concern for their hearts, I think it is important that they recognize the possible impact these pictures are having on others that they may not recognize, as well as the safety risks they may pose.  For example:

  • These pictures are tempting to Christian men who are struggling with lust and pornography addiction.
  • They are inviting to non-Christian men who have no convictions regarding lust, and may welcome unwanted or dangerous sexual attention.
  • They perpetuate the idea that taking seductive pictures of yourself and sharing them is a perfectly acceptable practice for young Christians, and consequently the idea that gazing upon them lustfully is also perfectly acceptable.
  • They are promoting a worldly view of beauty and sex-appeal that is echoed by the media, in their hallways at school, and elsewhere on the internet, and they are promoting it as a Christian who claims to be set apart from the world.

In many ways, social networking is still very new territory to all of us.  It was not long ago that sharing pictures meant sitting down in our living room paging through albums with friends.  At that time, had one of my friends shared an entire photo album she had put together of herself posing on her bed, I would have been very concerned.  I would have been concerned about her heart, and I would have been concerned about who would view the pictures.  I would have been concerned about her safety, should anyone see them.  I would have been concerned about her purity.  However, in a virtual world, this scenario is playing out daily in the lives of our teens and twenty-somethings, and it appears we are rewarding it with acceptance and praise.

We are living in an age that allows picture-taking, viewing, and sharing to be done as quickly and easily as we breathe in and out.  With this ease and access has come new social trends that should be raising concern for parents and people of influence in the lives of these young people.  I believe in many ways social networking is making it easier to identify the struggles our young people are going through, and it is important that we respond with a desire to build them up in Christ.

As I said above, I would love to hear any biblical suggestions for confronting this growing problem and any insights you have regarding this topic.

(Please understand that I am writing from a Christian perspective, which highly values sexual purity, modesty, and the pursuit of righteousness in God’s eyes and I am directing this article to an audience of Christ-followers.  If your beliefs are different from mine, you may see this issue very differently.  Please be respectful of me by only leaving comments below that are kind and constructive.)   

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Do You Have Something to Learn from Your Husband?

Oct7

“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read previous posts in this series here.

When I began writing this series, I did so with the belief that it would be encouraging to my husband and it would help me to intentionally seek out learning opportunities in our conversations.  I did not expect, however, that it would provide such a simple platform to share with hundreds of other women the basic theological beliefs we can stand firm in as Bible-believing Christians.  From acknowledging the completeness and inerrancy of Scripture to specific ways we apply biblical principles to our lives, learning with and through my husband has helped me share truth with others.

It is always a blessing to hear from those of you that have been encouraged by this series, but one consistent part of your feedback has included a line similar to this one, “You are so blessed to have a husband that you can learn from,” or “I would love it if my husband and I could have discussions about God like you and your husband do.”

I never want to claim that my husband and I are on top of our game when it comes to spiritual growth individually or in our marriage.  Our marriage is always going to be a work in progress, as I’m sure many of you can relate.  At the same time, though, I realize through the conversations I am having with other women that this idea of a wife learning from her husband is not easy for most people and it’s just not happening within their marriages.

So what’s our secret? How do we make this learning thing work in our relationship?  In all honesty, there is nothing extraordinary about either one of us.  We are both sinners, saved by grace, and trying to live according to God’s calling on our lives.  Our only “secret” to success is Jesus.  It is for this reason that I believe any one of you reading this right now, if you are a believer married to a believing husband, can foster a spiritually edifying relationship in your marriage that involves learning from your husband.  Any one of you.

I think I can hear some of your thoughts right now, “But…but…he’s just not the leadership type,” or “I’ve always been the smart one in our relationship,” or “He doesn’t engage in spiritual conversations very well.”  Whatever it is you are thinking right now, I am confident it is one of many “good” reasons that you and your husband have not been learning from one another about God’s Word.  Whatever your reasoning, I am also confident it can be overcome if both of you are abiding in Christ.

I know it will not be easy.  Some of you probably feel helpless in making a change like this in your marriage.  You may be thinking that it is his job as the leader to take control of this spiritual leadership thing, and you might have very little hope that he is capable of doing things any differently after decades of marriage.  You might not want to acknowledge that your husband is called to lead you, and you might be refusing to follow.  (Check out the story of learning to trust my husband as a leader here.) It might be that you don’t know where to start, and feel defeated by previous attempts to discuss this kind of thing.

Though I want to be careful to recognize that everyone’s situation has its own unique set of challenges, I believe there are some basic principles that can help get spiritual conversations flowing within any marriage, and they can start with you.

1) Clothe yourself in humility.

I love the part of 1 Peter 5:5 that states, “Clothe yourselves in humility towards one another.” Truly it is only in humility that we are able to thrive in relationship with one another at all.  As wives, our genuine humility is vital in welcoming our husbands to speak up towards us with confidence and authority.  In contrast, our pride can be the shield that repels our husband’s will to approach us at all.  If it is clear you do not receive wisdom from others with humility, your husband will feel discouraged in his attempts to step up as a spiritual leader.

2)  Abandon disrespect.

“Wives, respect your husbands,” we’re told in the Word.  For a man, feeling respected by his wife ministers to his heart and encourages him more than any act of service or affectionate gesture we could give him.  We’ve heard it a million times, but do we live it out in our marriages?  Sadly, I can say I witness far more instances of disrespect from a wife to her husband than the desired alternative.  We roll our eyes.  We talk negatively about them to our mothers, our sisters, our friends.  We complain about their nervous habits or ever-present bodily functions.  We reply with sarcasm or a rude tone when they are only trying to be helpful with their advice.  We minimize their influence on family decisions by favoring our own preferences and rallying with others for back-up, or insisting we always know better.  We laugh at their mistakes, point out their shortcomings, and remind them of past failures.  We can be downright awful without even recognizing it, all while starving them for a word of praise or encouragement.

I am guilty of all the above at one time or another.  Unfortunately, all of these examples display an attitude of disrespect, and they set a tone in your relationship that will hinder spiritually edifying conversation.  If you want to learn something from your husband, abandon the above examples and replace them with messages of respect.

(If you are struggling to have a respectful attitude towards your husband because of his shortcomings, I recommend you follow this link  where you will find encouragement to be submissive and respectful even when your husband may seem underqualified to lead you.  The list at the end of the post might be especially helpful)

3) See yourself as his helper.

I agree with the biblical description of a wife as a helper to her husband.  Sometimes it is a struggle to embrace this role as “modern” women, but if we believe that is our calling then we must yield to it.  I’ve found that in any situation I will respond better to my husband if I first ask myself, “What is the best way I can help my husband honor God in this?”  This thought not only shifts my mind from selfish ambitions and humbles me in that moment, but it also challenges me to see my husband as someone who needs my help rather than someone I expect to meet my needs.

If you desire more spiritual conversations to happen in your marriage, ask yourself “What is the best way I can help my husband honor God in this?”  My hope is that it will shift your thinking from ones of disappointment in his leadership or hopelessness towards spiritual growth, and lead you to consider how best to help and encourage your husband in this area.

4) Show interest and LISTEN.

Girls, let’s face it: we love to be the one talking.  We could chat for hours, follow every rabbit trail imaginable, and walk away with no memory of what the other person had to say on half the topics covered.  I have spent too much time learning nothing from my husband because I was too busy listening to my own voice and mostly interested in having his attention.  I believe that if we are humble and respectful in our approach to helping our husbands lead us spiritually, we will show interest in what they are thinking and learning about God and we will genuinely listen to them.

If your husband is reading his Bible, attending church, attending a Bible study, or engaging in any other opportunity to learn more about God, I promise you he has thoughts he could share with you.  Start by simply asking him, “What is God teaching you lately?”  Even if he shares ideas that are not new to you, or they are thoughts you have already had, it is important for you to care what he has to say, listen carefully, and show appreciation that he is sharing these thoughts with you.  This might sound like a no-brainer to some of you, but many husbands don’t consider themselves “talkers,” and sharing their thoughts can be a scary thing at first.  In these situations, your humility and respect are oh so precious!

It can start with you.

Wives, it is an interesting thing to consider that God has ordained our husbands as our leaders, yet created us to have such power and influence in their lives.  If we fill our roles as God intended, there can be no human union more perfect.  If we abuse our power and despise our roles, there can be no human union more toxic.  Learning from your husband about God’s word might sound like your husband’s responsibility.  I want to encourage you to stop thinking of it this way.  The four points above are just the start of ways you can play an important role in fostering spiritual conversation and learning in your marriage.

When I learn from my husband, there is definitely no formal instruction or lecture happening.  (Awkward thought, right?)  I learn from my husband by engaging in spiritual conversations, asking him questions, and listening to what he has to say.  I learn from my husband by making myself available to listen and letting him know that I care about what he is learning.  I don’t always do this well, and there are plenty of days that my pride acts as a shield to his wisdom.  But when I get off of my high horse, as my mom would say, and think more highly of him than I do myself, he is able to have edifying conversation with me.

Start small. 

Start with your own heart. 

Pray for wisdom and growth. 

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When We Lose Sight of the Wealth

Sep20

I wrote a post the other day that really resonated with readers and generated a response I never expected.  Women weren’t just reading it, they were encouraged by it and motivated to share it.  Hundreds of shares…hundreds.  I’m not sure if you know this, but I am not used to that kind of response.

While I am humbled and grateful for this opportunity to connect with so many moms, it has left me asking, “Why was this message so valuable to these women?”  It’s something many of you said you needed to hear, but why?

My best answer to this question, the reason you needed to hear it, is the same answer to the question of why I needed to write it.  I needed to write about the depth of my wealth, because most days I completely lose sight of it.  Motherhood is something so precious, so profound, so miraculous in it’s very nature, yet most days we find ourselves scraping the bottom of our spirits just to start the next load of laundry and come up with the energy to say “yes” to our children one more time.

Why, though?  If the richness of motherhood is in fact profound, then why are we not leaping with joy and gratitude each and every day we are allowed to live through this piece of heaven on earth?

What is it that makes us lose sight of this invaluable wealth?

It’s the demand.

The screaming in the middle of the night that you barely have the strength and patience to answer.  The hungry child that just ate up the last of your bread only twenty minutes earlier and a bare cupboard you can’t fill until pay-day.  The strong pull on your pant leg as you quickly work to finish the dishes so you can move on to dirty more.  The Cheerios sticking to your feet for the tenth time today reminding you to sweep the floor again.  The punishments you are tired of enforcing while you wait for the lessons to sink into rebellious hearts.  The commitments on the calendar telling you to bake something, prepare something, do something, be something.  More screaming, more mess, more needs, more expenses.  Less patience, less energy, less time, less money.     

It’s the worry.

Is there something wrong with my child? Am I making the right decision here? What if this problem just keeps getting worse?  What if things never get better?  How will we ever afford it?  Am I really cut out for all of this?  What will people think?  What if this is my fault? What if they’re right, what if I’m foolish to do this God’s way? Is there something wrong with me? More fear, more doubt, more confusion, more failure.  Less strength, less confidence, less clarity, less victory.

It’s the isolation.

The scary realization that your best girl friend is a three-year-old that can’t begin to give you advice on disciplining your eight-year-old son.  The longing for a friend or neighbor to stop by for five minutes of adult conversation before you snap at your whining toddler.  Holding on to a hundred questions while not knowing who to ask for the answers.  Checking the clock in the late afternoon, begging it to move closer to the time Dad will be home, if you are blessed to even get such a time in your day.  Feeling lonely, but feeling embarrassed that you feel that way.  More thoughts, more questions, more pressure, more white noise.  Less friendship, less conversation, less relaxation, less peace of mind.

It’s the lies.

The demands are too great.  There is so much to worry about.  I am in this alone.  We don’t have enough.  Our things are not good enough.  The neighbors have something better, something more, something new.  We deserve new clothes, a beautiful home, a second car, a family vacation.  What is childhood without expensive gifts and a great collection of toys?  If we had more money, this would be so much easier.  I deserve a break.  This should be easier.  Everyone else does it this way, so I should too.  I need to buy more, own more, accomplish more, give my children more.  I can’t possibly buy less, own less, accomplish less, or give my children less.

It’s the enemy.

I needed to write about my wealth last week, because Satan had been at me to write about my lack of wealth.  I had started to believe that I had less to offer than the mores I saw adding up.  I was feeling run down by the demands, the worries, the loneliness, and the lies that we buy into some days as we long for a break to collect our thoughts.

By writing about the wealth of motherhood, God helped me to get past the lies and see the truth: that I am blessed beyond measure.  I worship the one true God, and I shall not want.  When we lose sight of our wealth, we are believing that motherhood is driven by demand, worry, our own individual power, and the great number of things the world tells us we need to have in order to “have it all together.”

It is with good reason that God asks us to think of whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy in Philippians 4:8.  It is by dwelling on truth that we are given the wisdom to combat lies.  It is by pursuing what is noble and right that we turn from what is shameful and wrong.  It is with pure thoughts that our minds rest in the peace of the Spirit.  It is in loveliness and admiration that we recognize the gifts that we have been given.  And finally, it is by valuing what is excellent and praiseworthy in the Lord’s eyes that we recognize all of our needs are made known and filled by the God we worship.

My hope is that anything you read here at Lamp on a Stand will help you embrace a life that lives by Philippians 4:8.  I know that the day-in and day-out of motherhood can often leave many of you feeling stuck in the trenches, and I pray you will never settle there for long.  There is so much to rejoice over, even in the depth of hardship, that we can not afford to dwell in lies and darkness.

Thank you, all of you, for responding so richly to The Wealthy Stay-at-Home-Mom. You’re words and actions of affirmation have taught me a valuable lesson about our need for truth and encouragement as moms, and have inspired me to pray for the mothers around me in a deeper way.

Now go and enjoy the treasures of this day, and let your minds dwell on the wealth God has given you!

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Check out the side-bar for all the great blogs I link-up with from week to week.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy: His Mother’s Son, Somehow I Grew to Love that Chair, That Time I Punched an Eight Year Old, and Dear Expectant Mothers.

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The Wealthy Stay-At-Home-Mom

Sep14

 “It’s nice to meet you, what do you do?” She asks.

“I am a stay-at-home-mom” I reply, wondering if I should throw in information about my college degree and prior work experience, just to portray myself with a little more value in the eyes of my acquaintance.  I don’t have the chance to go on, however, as she responds quickly.

“Oh, wow, you are so lucky to get to stay at home,” she replies, “We could just never afford it.”

“Money only stretches so far,” I politely relate, though slightly cringing at her assumptions, “We are certainly blessed with the ability to make this work for us.”

Does she assume we’re wealthy, I wonder.  Surely she understands we’re not, right?  Surely she understands it is a trade-off?  Does she really think it’s “luck” that made this decision for us?

She’s right, though, in a way.  I can afford to be a stay-at-home-mom and I am wealthy enough to afford a great deal of valuable things.  Things that are so precious, in fact, that the things we can’t afford pale in comparison.

For example:

I can’t afford a second car, but I can afford long walks with little ones on beautiful weekday afternoons. 

I can’t afford to own my dream home, but I can afford to fill our rental with the sounds of laughter, comforted tears, and the pitter patter of little feet all day long. 

I can’t afford cable television, but I can afford to read to my children for more than the recommended 20 minutes a day. 

I can’t afford new clothes each season, but I can afford to teach my children to value what they have and take care of all they have been given as I care for and mend the clothing we are blessed to already own. 

I can’t afford to take my family to a nice restaurant, but I can afford to prepare meals that fill our home with the scents that will one day make my adult children long for home.

I can’t afford regular lunch or coffee dates with friends, but I can afford to invite friends into my home and demonstrate Christian hospitality to my children as well as my guests.  

I can’t afford a professional hair style or color; but I can afford to embrace natural beauty as my children watch me twist my hair into a fast bun and hurry out of the bathroom to join their fun.

I can’t afford a manicure or pedicure, but I can afford to play “This Little Piggy” on repeat to the content of fascinated little minds, looking into their eyes as we play and smiling with them as they learn. 

I can’t afford a gym membership, but I can afford to live a healthy and active life in front of my children and teach them to do the same.

I can’t afford to enroll my child in private lessons of various kinds, but I can afford to invest time in knowing their dreams and abilities better than anyone else and coaching them to use those abilities to honor and glorify God.

I can’t afford to get a babysitter and go on long dates with my husband, but I can afford to serve him diligently at home as his helper and love him in ways that help him honor God at his best.

I can’t afford to travel the world on family vacations, but I can afford to be the person who is always there and ready to answer their questions when they are curious or confused about the world around them. 

I can’t afford a mountain of gifts on Christmas morning, but I can afford a mountain of love and truth all year long. 

I can’t afford to host giant birthday parties at popular venues, but I can afford to spend every single day reminding my children that they are valuable and worth celebrating.        

I can’t afford the latest and greatest toys and electronics, but I can afford to diligently train creative minds to explore, imagine, experiment, and create. 

I can’t afford to pad a savings account with the recommended 6 months of necessary income, but I can afford to pad a future of unknowns with faith and trust in God’s provision and teach my children not to worry in times of trial.  

I can’t afford to provide my children with the things they want, but I can afford to teach them that they have everything they need. 

I can’t afford to spend my time making money, but I can afford to make my time worth more money than I could ever spend. 

I can’t afford a lot of things, but none of them will ever exceed the value of those things that I can afford. 

I am not lucky, but I am blessed. 

I am not rich with money, but I am wealthy. 

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Check out the follow-up to this article here:

When We Lose Sight of the Wealth.

Check out the side-bar for all the great blogs I link-up with from week to week.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy: His Mother’s Son, Somehow I Grew to Love that Chair, That Time I Punched an Eight Year Old, and Dear Expectant Mothers.

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The Bible, God’s Command, and Laziness

Sep9

I Learned It From My Husband

“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read previous posts in this series here.

Previously in this series, I shared with you the foundation of Bible learning that my husband has provided me by prioritizing the value of Scripture.  In the post on theology and doctrine, I wrote about the process God brought me through to recognize that the things I believe and proclaim must be verified as true by God’s word and therefore theologically sound.  I echoed this truth again when I discussed our need to test everything according to Biblical truth, and again as I discussed the need to use Scripture as our standard for what is true.  My hope is that I have made it very clear that the Bible, nothing more, nothing less, is our source of truth and our standard for living.  The problem is, it is not enough just to acknowledge the priority of Scripture and agree that it is our inspiration for righteous living — We have to read it!

The quote above strikes me with a great deal of conviction.  Laziness is a sin which I have had to confess and turn from more than I like to admit, especially when it applies to digging into the depth that Scripture provides.  When it comes to obeying God’s commands, however, there is no denying that we are commanded to know God’s Word, to love it, and to live by it.  We are to be ready to preach the Word, in season and out (2 Tim. 4:2).  I’ll remind you again of Deuteronomy 11:18-23:

“You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, as long as the heavens are above the earth.  For if  you will be careful to do all this commandment that I command you to do, loving the Lord your God, walking in all his ways, and holding fast to him, then the Lord will drive out all these nations before you, and you will dispossess nations greater and mightier than you.”

Sounds like a lot of work, right? Binding God’s Word on our hands and between our eyes, teaching them and talking of them at our every waking moment, writing them all around our homes?  The truth is, it does require work.  Scripture packs challenges to our thinking, complex ideas, and counter-cultural expectations of us.  To dig deeper into the depth and fullness that is there, we are going to need time, energy, and motivation.

Prior to my relationship with my husband, I already loved God’s Word.  I found joy and inspiration within the pages of my Bible, and I frequented favorite passages and paged through for new motivation for my daily living.  Unfortunately, that love and attention I had towards Scripture closely resembled the love and attention I had towards my favorite band’s new album and my favorite series of fiction novels.  Sure, I enjoyed it and it made me feel good (most of the time), but there was nothing deeper.  I was able to read it, skip passages that presented more “work” to fully grasp, and leave it after five minutes feeling like something else was more deserving of my time.  There was a problem.  I was reading life-changing truth, but it wasn’t changing my life.

I was living on milk, though I should have been seeking solid food.

Hebrews 5:11-14 describe this problem well:

“We have a great deal to say about this, and it’s difficult to explain, since you have become too lazy to understand.  Although by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the basic principles of God’s revelation again. You need milk, not solid food.  Now everyone who lives on milk is inexperienced with the message about righteousness, because he is an infant.  But solid food is for the mature—for those whose senses have been trained to distinguish between good and evil.”

Over the course of my relationship with my husband, I have learned that devouring the scriptures as solid food requires a deeper committment than simply skimming/reading the words on the page and comprehending their meaning at face value.  If we want our senses to be trained to distinguish between good and evil, we can not be lazy about it.  For me, this has meant acknowledging that I had become too lazy to understand, and I needed to repent of that laziness.  It has meant learning to meditate on pieces of scripture for days, exhausting their word definitions, cross-references, Biblical context, and historical context.  It has meant listening to sound Bible teachers, taking notes, praying through it all, and seeking wise counsel when help is needed to understand.  It has meant never underestimating the weight and implication of a single word within a verse, words as small and seemingly interchangeable as “in” and “with.”  It has meant learning to swallow hard truth, and let that truth change the way I was living.

One of my priorities as I write this blog is to promote Biblical womanhood.  There are some women that will look at this mission and equate it to the promotion of Christian homemaking, Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 Women, and motherhood.  Don’t get me wrong, I love those topics and I promote them.  However, when I refer to Biblical womanhood, the heart of that phrase is “Biblical,” not womanhood.  My deepest desire is to see women hunger for solid food that can only be found in God’s Word, devour it, and live by it as they serve in God’s kingdom.  I desire to see women whose lives are continually changing as they are being sanctified by the knowledge of truth through Scripture.

My husband has helped me understand and LOVE that God expects far more out of women than basic obedience to the more “feminine” areas of the Bible.  God desires us to devour and live by the entirety of His Word.  Ladies, if you are reading this and feel as though you are still living on milk, but recognize your need for solid food, I would love to hear from you and direct you to some free and simple study tools that can help you move forward.

If you’re biggest road block is laziness, however, what’s your next step?

If you believe you are already living on solid food and digging deep into the word, what advice would you give to someone confronted with their own sin of laziness in this area?  What study resources might you recommend?

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Check out the side panel for all the great blogs I link up with from week to week!
If you liked this post you might also enjoy I learned it from my husband: Theology Matters, Submission Recognition II, or The Bible as the Standard of Truth.

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I learned it [with] my husband.

Sep3

“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read previous posts in this series here.

Happy Labor Day, friends! This weekend marks four years since my husband and I “became one” by entering into the marriage covenant together.  While four years feels quite small next to our friends recently celebrating 10, 20, and even 50 years together, it is such a blessing to look back on each year with awe and gratitude for what God has done in our marriage.

In honor of our anniversary, I would love to share some lessons we have learned together in our marriage.  As promised, marrying another person brings great opportunity for spiritual growth and refining, and God has been so gracious to us in allowing such joy and pleasure for us as we have experienced this refining fire.

We have learned so much together in this short four years, but for today I will share with you ten big marriage lessons that God has laid on my heart time and time again:

  1. Marriage belongs to God, is given by God, and is sustained by God.  Trying to make it into something of our own will always end poorly.

  2. A Christian who is married to another Christian is not guaranteed freedom from being “unequally yoked” as described in 2 Corinthians 6:14.  While both are believers, if one spouse is not keeping their faith in Christ at the center of their life and marriage, that yoke will undoubtedly tilt.

  3. Luke 15:7 says: “Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.”  With this verse in consideration, I find it no surprise that I am far more delighted and attracted to my husband as he lays his heart out in repentance with a humble heart than I am in times of bliss and perfection.

  4. Never does our marriage feel more alive and thriving than while we are serving God’s people together and pursuing the will of God as selfless, sacrificial servants.

  5. Never does our marriage feel more dead than when we are focused only on ourselves and pursuing what is comfortable and convenient.

  6. Serving one another in practical ways, such as homemaking and income earning, mean nothing if we are not serving one another in the eternal ways by loving one another selflessly, praying for each other, and lowering ourselves to better the other.

  7. It is a difficult, humbling experience to submit to your husband.

  8. It is a difficult, humbling experience to lead your wife.

  9. There is immense joy and peace in seasons of hardship when your hope is place in Jesus Christ, while there is great fear and worry in seasons of hardship when your hope is placed in your spouse’s ability to change, work harder, acheive better, or repair what is broken.

  10. As John Piper says, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him,” the same is true within our marriages.  The world will try to convince you that marriage is about finding satisfaction in your spouse.  The truth is, God is most glorified in our marriages when both husband and wife are most satisfied in Christ.

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Titus 2 Training Tips

Aug15

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” – Titus 2:3-5

Last month, I posted a list of points to remember as a young Titus 2 woman in training.  (Follow this link to read that post!).  I wrote there that we are living in a time and a culture that not only overlooks the importance of personal discipleship, but also considers the virtues of Biblical womanhood outdated and at times offensive.  Although many young women desire the “training” that is mentioned in the above scripture, we do not have older women lining up at our doors to offer it.

Since writing that entry, I have been thinking more and more about the challenges of being an “older” Titus 2 woman, and the many factors that have contributed to the lack of training being offered.  I realize that many are not stepping up to be trainers of younger women because they do not feel qualified to train.  They might simply believe they have nothing useful to offer.  They might think Google and YouTube have cornered the market on useful information.  I’m sure many women feel that the younger women appear to be doing great, and couldn’t possibly need input from a woman who never “had it all together” herself as a young mom.  Afterall, shouldn’t any good trainer be a woman who was well-trained herself?

You might think, “I don’t have what it takes to be an older Titus 2 woman.  Someone else will have to fill that role.”

I recognize these thought patterns are a barrier for older women when they are considering their call to step up to teach and train the younger women.  The sad truth, however, is that many times that “someone else” you hope will step up, is fighting with their own feelings of inadequacy and choosing to sit back with you.  As you know, if enough people sit back with you expecting someone else to step up, the most likely result will be that no one will step up.

So today, I want to encourage you to recognize all the ways you actually ARE qualified to train younger women in many ways, whether you have it all together or not.  Here are just a few simple, practical ideas to consider as an older Titus 2 woman:

  • Take inventory of your skills.  Feeling underqualified? Consider an average day working at home, and take note of the chores and tasks that you have done over and over again for decades now.  Think back on the days you were just learning to be efficient in those tasks.  They probably come so easily to you now that you would never consider it anything worth teaching, right?  Think again! For a wife starting out, chances are good that there is not a single thing she can cook without a recipe tied to her hand.  She might not even know how often to wash bedding, and she might have no clue how to fold a fitted sheet.  She may be like I was 4 years ago and have absolutely no idea how to work a coffee maker, a blender, or a food processor!  Think through the tasks that come so easily to you, and be prepared to use them when training a younger woman.
  • Spend a day with a young mom.  Want to find ways you can help a young mom learn to better work at home? Offer to lend a hand around the house for a day and talk with her about the tasks of her average week.  You might find that she is struggling with meal planning or cooking for her family, that she has never been taught to iron correctly, or she has never known the right product to get tough stains out of her children’s clothing.  In any given day, young moms are likely to be dealing with SOMETHING that has left them in a cycle of trial and error.  She might benefit greatly from your willingness to share what has worked for you in the past, or even what did NOT work for you.
  • Serve in the nursery at your church.  You might feel like serving in the childcare area at your church is nothing more than an opportunity to minister to the little ones, but this is an excellent place to meet young mom’s and be a huge help to them.  Not only are you giving a tired mom a restful time of worship before the start of another frazzling week, but you are a veteran mom who has been in their shoes and can invest your experience in them.  The times that moms are dropping off and picking up their small children are precious opportunities to encourage them, offer wisdom, or simply serve as a loving listener as they share about their struggles from the past week.  I have received more helpful tips from experienced moms in the five-minute chats at the nursery door than I have in any other setting.  From the best ways to treat diaper rash to encouraging words in some of my most difficult mommy struggles, I have been so blessed by these servant-hearted ladies.  Had they not been serving in this way at our church, I may have never had many of these conversations with them.
  • Host “training nights.”  One of my readers shared with me the other day that the women’s ministry at her church was getting ready to host a training night on ironing.  Nothing more, just ironing.  Sound silly? It’s not.  There are so many useful skills that mothers and wives can benefit from knowing, but never have had an opportunity to learn.  I grew up being trained to work outside the home, and showed no interest in the practical skills of homemaking.  There are so many skills I would love to learn and in some ways need to learn, but do not know when or from whom I will finally learn them.  The list of ideas is endless, but here are some I would attend: basic sowing, patching, and mending; homemade household product making; ironing; pre-treating, washing, and folding laundry; meal planning and cooking; canning and freezing; baking or bread making; gardening; and time-management for moms.  Any ideas to add?  Any ideas stick out to you as something you could teach well?
  • Share your mistakes.   Your mistakes as a wife and a mom might be the very things that are holding you back from investing in a younger mom.  I urge you to recognize that if these are mistake you learned from, then another young mom will likely benefit from learning through your mistake instead of her own.  If nothing else, it is sometimes nice to know that the older moms made some of the same mistakes I have!
  • Do some match making.  (No, not that kind!)  If you have a friend that is excellent at gardening, and you know a young mom at church that is getting ready to start her first garden: SET THEM UP!  They might not connect unless you do, so don’t be shy!  This can be a great way to convince an older woman to help a younger woman, and to open doors for mentorship in other areas.  If you are feeling really ambitious, you can set up an entire Titus 2 mentorship program at your church, and do some matchmaking with an entire group of ladies from every generation.

What other ideas can you come up with? Maybe these suggestions can be a starting point for you to consider some simple ways you can step up as a trainer to younger women.  Maybe this list will get you thinking about what it might take to develop a Titus 2 ministry at your church?  I would love to hear from you about what you are already doing or thinking about starting as a trainer to younger women.

Let the training begin!

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Check out the side panel for all the great blogs I link up with from week to week!

If you liked this post you might also enjoy Submission Recognition, A Passage Once Wrestled, or A Lonely Calling.

Are you are feeling blessed by the content of this blog and want to read more by lamp light? I’d love to see you on Twitter and Facebook .  Join me there for up-to-date lamp news and posts that are hot off the press!

Helping Him be a Helper

Aug8

This is a follow-up post to A Lonely Calling.  If you have not had an opportunity to read it yet, you might be interested in checking it out before reading this one.

I have been touched by the responses I have received after posting A Lonely Calling.  Many of you shared of your own heart ache as wives or children of pastors, and many others were saddened to realize what many pastoral families experience while serving in ministry.  Some were even moved to take action steps in better supporting the leader of their church, and I was so grateful to hear of the ways you have been doing this.  Your responses have led me to encourage you further in your desire to be obedient to Hebrews 13:17 by writing up some practical ways you can work on being obedient and submissive to your pastor.

Does your husband serve in one of these roles?

  • Associate Pastor or other form of support staff at your church
  • Elder
  • Deacon
  • Committee chairman
  • Sunday school teacher, coordinator or small group leader
  • Service team leader or other leadership position

If you answered yes to any of the above, I am talking to you.

My husband is an associate pastor at our church.  While this is a leadership role, it is more importantly a servant role.  In obedience to the call God has placed on his life, he serves the entire church body, and he also serves and supports our senior pastor.  He is a helper.  One of his biggest responsibilities as a helping pastor is to uphold the command of Hebrews 13:17 and be a helper to the head shepherd.

If you are married to a man who serves in a role listed above, he is a very important helper.  It is important for many reasons, but especially because he is one of the men God has called to help your pastor shepherd the flock well.  To qualify as this kind of helper, he is required to be of mature character and integrity, and he is to conduct himself in a manner that is above reproach.  To faithfully serve, he must embrace a humble spirit and willingess to sacrifice his own comfort and convenience for the good of the church.

As wives, we are called to be suitable helpers to our husbands (Genesis 2:18).  We are uniquely designed to fill this role like nothing else in all of creation, and our husbands are deeply influenced by our dedication or neglect as their helpers.  In the broadest sense of the word, our job as wives is to serve in ways that support and benefit our husbands.  God desires us to bring glory to God by helping our husbands bring glory to God.

If we are helpers to important helpers, we must help them help others in the most helpful ways possible. (Okay, I’ll admit I was going for a quick tongue twister on that one.) In all seriousness, though, a man who is called to live above reproach will need his suitable helper to be dedicated to her call.  I am convinced that as wives of support pastors, deacons, elders, or other church leaders you are filling some of the most influential roles within your church.  With it comes great power to build up, but also to tear down a church body. Your commitment to obey and submit to your pastor plays a vital role in your husband’s efforts to do the same.

It is one of the most influential service positions in any church, and it belongs to you!

So I ask you:

What are you doing [or not doing] that helps your husband be a God-honoring helper?

What are you doing [or not doing] that hinders your husband in being a God-honoring helper?

Some ideas on becoming a better helper to a helper: 

  • Pray for him daily like no one but you can.  You know him better than anyone.  You know his weaknesses and insecurities, and you know his strengths.  You know his day-to-day struggles, and you know the areas that God is stretching him.  Pray.

 

  • Develop a biblical understanding of his calling.  If you are going to help him be a successful servant, you need to know the depth of what is expected of him by God.  (You can start with 1 Timothy 3:1-7 & Titus 1:5-9 for elders, and 1 Timothy  3:8-13 & Acts 6:1-4 for Deacons and other lead servants.  I also recommend looking at 1 Peter 5: 1-5.)

 

  • Be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things (See 1 Timothy 3:11).  No matter who you are married to, be mindful of this expectation!

 

  • Let me repeat: not slanderers!  A “slanderer” is a person who makes false or damaging statements about another person, especially statements that harm that person’s reputation.  Let’s be honest: women are prone to gossip, especially when they have access to information that others do not.  Gossip is sinful, but it is also an especially dangerous platform for slander.  If you are a wife to a leader in the church, participating in opportunities to gossip is neither dignified nor obedient to your responsibility to refrain from slander.  You may have access to information that others do not, but it is not yours to share.  Sharing it without permission or with sinful motives will be harmful, not helpful, to your husband.

 

  • Foster a submissive and respectful attitude toward anyone with authority over you and your husband.  This is extremely important in helping your entire family be obedient to Hebrews 13:17.  To do this, develop a clear understanding of what it means to submit.  (Check out my Submission Recognition  series to read more about this.)  Keep your private conversations between you and your husband in check with your responsibility to submit to your spiritual leadership.  Continually ask yourselves: Does this conversation honor and respect our Pastor and serve in the purpose of building up our body of believers?  If you are struggling to submit, you might benefit from reading this post where you will find tips for submitting in difficult circumstances.

 

  • Strive to be an example of the humility and selflessness that is required of him.  It might be tempting to wear the title of “Elder’s Wife” or “Deacon’s Wife” in a prideful way, as though holding such offices is grounds for loftiness.  This is quite a misinformed perception of the call of a lead servant.  Remember: No matter your calling, consider others more highly than yourself (Philippians 2:3).

 

  • Be mindful of your attitude! It can be easy to slip into feelings of resentment or bitterness towards the demands of ministry life. As a wife, your feelings can have a dramatic affect on your husband’s attitude towards serving.  Pray through these feelings and discern what is selfishness.  Repent of it and leave it behind.

 

  • Seek to focus on the good in others and know their strengths, including your husband’s. We live in a world that finds pleasure in focusing on the bad in others.  As Christians, we must not return to this way of life.  Look for the good in others, encourage them in their strengths, pour grace onto their every weakness.  Do so especially with your husband, and help your husband to do the same.

 

  • Handle conflict like a true Christian. As the wife of an important helper, you are going to be more aware of the presence of conflict within your church.  It might be conflict between members, conflict between staff members, or conflict between a member and a pastor or other staff member.  Strip yourselves of pride, rely wholly on the Holy Spirit, and use God’s word as your sword in every battle.  Do not allow conflict to be a motivation to ignore your responsibility to submit to authority, and never approach conflict without first examining your heart in the matter and repenting of your sin.  In your marriage, you have a great ability to either fuel the fire or to help put the fire out in a way that honors God and builds up your church.

 

  • Be a voice of reason for your husband by humbly pointing him towards scriptural truth.  There will be moments when your husband is feeling beaten down and moments when he will struggle to see the greater purpose in his service.  There will be moments that he questions his own dedication to God’s calling on his life.  Be prepared for these moments by knowing how to best communicate truth with him in a way he will receive well.  In my home, I have learned when I need to let my husband think and when he is ready for my respectful input on a matter.  Though I don’t always do it perfectly, I have also learned the tone and manner of suggestion that best ministers to his heart in these moments.  My hope is that you are able to do the same in your marriage, and that by doing so you will be a light of Christ to your husband in these moments.

As I wrote about in a Lonely Calling, we are called to submit to our pastors in a way that allows them to do their work with joy.  Our husband’s have a great impact on our pastors and their Gospel driven work.  By stepping up as the wives to these important men, we are playing an important role in preventing pastoral “groaning.”  I hope you will deeply consider the list I put together above, and I would love to hear more suggestions for wives in similar roles.  To be fair, no matter what capacity of service your husband is doing in your church, these tips apply to you.

I’ll leave you with another slight tongue twister:

Let’s strive to serve well as helpers to our husbands by helping them be godly helpers.

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Check out the side panel for all the great blogs I link up with from week to week!  This post is linked with Word Filled Wednesdays!
If you liked this post you might also enjoy I learned it from my husband: Theology Matters, Submission Recognition II, or The Bible as the Standard of Truth.
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I learned it from my husband: Test Everything

Jul30

“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read the introduction to this series here.

Leading a mission team through Bible study on their way home from Guatemala.

For the last two weeks, I have been using this series to share with you some of my background as it relates to learning from my husband.  I think it is important to always note that the willingness to learn from him and be teachable towards him was a process, and I did not accept him as a trustworthy teacher blindly or in ignorance.  In fact, it was quite a struggle in the beginning to even trust that a man was capable of being trustworthy.  You can read about that struggle here.

It has also been a journey for me to understand that while I learn from him, I am always using scripture as my source for discernment on what is true.  As I wrote last week, he opened my eyes to the importance of accurate biblical and systematic theology, and that understanding is at the foundation of every lesson learned from him.

I wanted to address these things because the last thing I would want someone to conclude from this series (or my series on submission) is that I am a blind follower, or that I am somehow being manipulated or brainwashed to accept my husband’s teaching as true and good.  As a women with a feminist background, I am well aware of the many opposing views on gender roles within marriage, and I recognize that embracing the words of Ephesians 5:25-26 is extremely counter-cultural.  This awareness has left me thinking about how my past professors of feminist theory would react if they read the things I was writing at this stage of my life.  It has left me thinking about how I would react if I were reading this blog as my former self.  They [including former self] would without a doubt conclude that I was in a controlling, male-dominated relationship.  They would classify me as “oppressed” for embracing such conservative views of man and wife.  It is by the grace of God that I now know the freedom and peace there is in living life for Him and according to His standards, especially in our marriage.

Thinking about these things has brought me to share the next important lesson I have learned from my husband, and it comes out of 1 Thessalonians (A book I have been enjoying much lately, see here.) Consider 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22:

“Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.”

If there is one thing that my husband has consistently taught me, it is this: test everything.  He is a great example for me of someone who truly seeks to discern what is good from what is evil through the lens of scripture.  He is the last person in the world that would want me to listen to his teaching and follow it without intentionally discerning that it was in line with biblical truth.  He does not desire to be my moral compass or my source for all that is true and good.  He desires my compass to be the Holy Word and the Spirit of God, and to do everything he can to point me to those things in a faithful way.

All of this to say, while I trust my husband’s teaching, I am also a critical thinker and I do what I can to keep him on his toes.  I ask questions, raise objections, challenge assumptions, and let him know when what he is saying seems inconsistent with what God has shown me in scripture.  I will admit, though, I am rarely the one who is right when it comes to a disagreement on God’s Word.  It took me several years of stubbornness and pride to admit this and recognize that I am indeed the weaker vessel when it comes to biblical understanding.

My husband has taught me to test everything and be sure it aligns with the truth of the Bible.  I am careful to remember this in whatever context I am learning, even when it comes to learning from my husband.

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Check out the side panel for all the great blogs I link up with from week to week!
If you liked this post you might also enjoy I learned it from my husband: Theology Matters, Submission Recognition II, or A Lonely Calling
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Are you a First Thessalonians Five Woman?

Jul25

Look out Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 Women, there’s a new lady in town.

Don’t worry, friends, the three of you will get along just fine. In fact, I hope you will find that you have a lot in common. Maybe you will even consider adding “First Thessalonians Five Woman” to your Biblical Womanhood resume?

I know, I know. It’s a bit of a long title, and not nearly as pretty in print. “Thessalonians” is just a little chubby to fit in your trendy graphic, right?

Listen up though, and maybe you’ll consider joining the cause. This morning I read out of First Thessalonians five and found myself hovering over the “final instructions,” especially verses 11-15. Here’s a run down:

  • Encourage one another and build one another up. (v. 11)

  • Respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you. (v. 12)

  • Esteem them very highly in love because of their work. (v. 13) (Them referring to those who labor among you and over you.)

  • Be at peace among yourselves. (v. 13b)

  • Admonish the idle. (v. 14)

  • Encourage the faint hearted. (v. 14b)

  • Help the weak. (v. 14c)

  • Be patient with them all. (v. 14d)

  • Always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. (v. 15b)

I don’t know about you, but I hear these verses are saying “step it up, lady!” I challenge you to read through the above list again and ask yourself two questions, “Am I striving to [insert command]” and “Where is God calling me to [insert command].”

If you have ever benefitted from another believer obediently following these commands, you know the impact that a First Thessalonians Five Woman can have within the body of Christ. Can you imagine the work God would do with an army of women standing in obedience to these commands? It might not make a cute graphic, but lives would be changed for the Glory of God.

So I ask you:

Are you a First Thessalonians Five Woman? If not, are you feeling called to “step it up” and become one? I know I am.

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Linking up with Life in Bloom.
Check out the side panel for all the great blogs I link up with from week to week!
If you liked this post you might also enjoy The First of Many: The Titus 2 Woman, A Passage Once Wrestled: Proverbs 31, or A Lonely Calling
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Submission Recognition II

Jul24

A weekly posting on the topic of submission. Join me every Tuesday as I work to expand our understanding of a commonly misunderstood calling on every Christian’s life. You can review last week’s Submission Recognition here.

I sat down at the coffee shop a few days ago and dove into a long post on one specific area we are called to submit in our lives. I enjoyed the studying that I did to prepare for the post, and I was looking forward to sharing with you what I had learned this week. I have decided to make myself wait to share it, however, because I recognize there is still introductory work to be done to fully grasp the meaning of “Submission.” Afterall, if we don’t truly understand the meaning of the word, then it will be impossible to grasp the application of it throughout scripture and in our daily lives.

Last week, I tossed a list of definitions at you to start our weekly series on submission. In an effort to be thorough, we are going to dig into these definitions a little further. As we address specific scripture verses that speak of submission, we will look closer at the original language of the text.  Here are the first three definitions I offered:

  1. To give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).

  2. To subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

  3. To present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit to a plan; to submit an application.

This grouping brings out some key words that should always be in mind when considering our call to submit to others. Here is a breakdown with some basic definitions (all selected from thefreedictionary.com):

Yield:

  • To give over possession of, as in deference or defeat; surrender.
  • To give up to another; concede.
  • To give way to argument, persuasion, influence, or entreaty.
  • To give up one’s place, as to one that is superior.

Subject:

  • To submit for consideration.
  • To submit to the authority of.
  • To expose to something.
  • To subjugate; subdue.

Present:

  • To offer for observation, examination, or consideration; show or display.
  • To turn or position in the direction of another.

In the pride of our flesh, there is sometimes nothing more uncomfortable than yielding, subjecting, and presenting ourselves to another person. Especially in our culture, where we are encouraged to do all we can to better ourselves above others, the idea of willingly surrendering authority is easily equated with weakness or even foolishness. Phrases like, “You are your own judge,” “Stay true to yourself, no one else matters” or “You can’t base your life on other people’s expectations” are common messages you might hear as you are encouraged to “just live your life your own way” and “be an individual.”

These are not the messages of the Jesus we know and follow, however. We are not individuals, we are a part of the body of Christ. As part of that body, we are commanded to submit to our fellow believers, to our parents, to our husbands, to our church leaders, to the governing authorities, and above all to God the Father. In everything, we are told to be humble, and count others more significant than ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4).

If you find yourself struggling to be humble in your circumstances, a healthy grasp of submission might be helpful. We are commanded to submit to God and to others – all the time. Just as Jesus lived his life in perfect submission to the Father, yielding to His authority, subjecting to His plan, and presenting his perfect life to the Father for examination and consideration, we are called to do the same. Just as Jesus lived his life in perfect submission to other people, from a childhood of submission to his parents until the grueling submission to the governing authorities that sentenced him to the cross, we are also called to live our lives in submission to other people. This is not just a one time deal, either.

This is every moment of every day.

Yield. Subject. Present. Surrender.

Submit.

It might be easy to accept the command to submit to our Heavenly Father, who is fully righteous and loving. It may even be easy to accept the command to submit to government officials. Unfortunately, it is also easy to forget or ignore that we are called to submit to other people, especially our fellow Christians.

I had a Christian friend in college that I watched slowly pull away from the Church community and her Christian relationships. When I tried explain to her the importance of staying connected with other believers and continuing to attend worship, she responded strongly by asking, “Who do we report to?!” I remember feeling quite speechless. “I report to God, and God alone,” she concluded. My effort to go further in that conversation was met with stubborn resistance and I soon gave up.

The truth is, God knows us better than to leave us to our own individual authority here on Earth. We report to God, yes, but we are also given many people to “report to” in our daily life. God desires you to hand over the authority, my friend, and he desires it to be handed over to a great number of people. Submitting to those we are commanded is part of being submissive and obedient to the Father. This is for our own benefit, the betterment of the Church, and to the glory of God. While there are many passages throughout the Bible that show God sometimes approves of disobedience to authority (for example Exodus 1:17 or Daniel 3:12-18, among others), these are all instances where being obedient to authority would require disobedience to God. This series will start by looking at areas where we ARE called to submit, and later address clear exceptions.

Next week we will look at an outline of specific areas we are called to submit to the authority of others and the scripture that supports each command. In following weeks, we will look closely at each specific area. I encourage you to be thinking about the following questions:

1) To who in my life does God call me to submit?

2) In which relationships am I resisting my call to submit?

3) When does God permit me to withdraw my submission to someone in authority?

Please let me know if you have specific questions you would like to discuss or email me if you have some valuable input on the topic of submission! I would love to hear from you!

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Check out the side panel for all the great blogs I link up with from week to week!
If you liked this post you might also enjoy The First of Many: The Titus 2 Woman, I learned it from my husband: Theology Matters, or A Lonely Calling
Are you are feeling blessed by the content of this blog and want to read more by lamp light? I’d love to see your face on my bright, shiny, and new Twitter and Facebook pages. Join me there for up-to-date lamp news and posts that are hot off the press!