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I learned it from my husband: Dangerous Business

Oct28
“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read previous posts in this series here.
 

“It is the most ungodly and dangerous business to abandon the certain and revealed will of God in order to search into the hidden mysteries of God”

–Martin Luther

Before I knew my husband, I went on a few dates with a young Christian man who desired to be a pastor one day.  He was handsome and funny, and he definitely had a love for God.  We attended some campus ministry meetings together and even visited a couple of churches during our brief friendship.  ”You’ve gotta come to my home church sometime,” he said excitedly, “and see what a real church is supposed to be like.”

I was intrigued by his excitement.  I had only experienced what I believed were traditional church settings, and they were much different from the “real” worship experiences he described.  When a special event came up at his church, he made arrangements for a group of our friends to tag along with him.

“It’s always important to make sure anything you hear is lining up with the Bible,” my sweet friend informed me as I prepared to attend this special church.

That’s silly advice, I thought, why would a church teach something that didn’t line up with the Bible.

And then I walked into a church that didn’t teach from the Bible at all.  They were overflowing with so many supernatural gifts, they didn’t seem to need that old book.  I didn’t know whether I should dive right in or run away in fear, but somehow I felt that I only had those two choices.  Either way, I felt extremely confused.

I kid you not, I dove right in.

I was anointed with oil and thrown into a quick round of pick-a-prophet, where I was showered with spiritually worded flattery and told of the great riches God had in store for me if I gave Him all of my money and fulfilled my supposed calling as a leader in the church.  An hour later I watched 200 people empty their purses and wallets, begging in tongues for the Spirit to slay them right then and there.

It was exciting, indeed.  This church had devoured me for a blurry two hours of wild chanting, ribbon dancing, money tossing, and a big ol’ line of oil-covered, spirit-slayed people.    I left with a recording of the [$5] prophecy spoken to me, and a huge smile on my face as I processed the flattery and attention I had been given.

I didn’t go on any more “dates” with my friend after that.  I’d like to say it was because I recognized some dangerous messages in his theology, but truthfully it was because he had been told by a prophet that his future wife was a “beautiful blonde psalmist.”  Seriously.  He interviewed me afterwards to see if I made the cut, and I honestly disqualified myself.  I was definitely a brunette, and though I could sing, I had no clue how to write a psalm.

Don’t worry, there were no hearts broken in our parting ways.  I didn’t know what I was going to do with the plans those “prophets” had spoken over me, but I did know that the plans God had for me were not to pursue a relationship with this handsome gentleman.

This young man lived and breathed present-day prophecy. His desire to be a pastor came not out of any clear gifting or spiritual leading, but rather a prophecy that was spoken over him as an infant in his mother’s arms.  I am also confident his pursuit of a wife is now strictly limited to song writing blondes, but who can blame him? The blonde psalmists I know are quite charming.  (Okay, fine, I only know like one.)

In the time since my 19-year-old prophecy encounter, I met a man who builds his faith up with “the certain and revealed will of God”: The Holy Word.  The complete, perfect, accurate, infallible, truly inspired Word of God.  A book that he knows he can never fully exhaust in his lifetime, though he will die trying.  This man I met has taught me a great deal about that great book throughout our relationship, and I felt so confident in that book and that man that we went ahead and got hitched.

In learning about God’s Word together, I have grown in my understanding of the “real” thing enough to recognize the danger I dove into that day I joined in on a new kind of worship service.  My husband takes the words of 2 Timothy 4:1-5 quite seriously, and I am so thankful that he does:

“I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions,and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”

In the night described above, I engaged in worship with a group of Christians that ignored the written word, wandered into myths, and appeared far from sober-minded.  While they claimed to love the Word, it was not held in higher esteem than their own visions and words of prophecy.

I do not intend to share about our stance regarding the closed canon of Scripture or spiritual gifts today, though I would be more than willing to share resources on these things by request.  I do, however, want to simply point out that there is danger in creating new truth for ourselves, there is uncertainty waiting where the Word is not central in teaching, and there are plenty of flattering myths inviting us to wander their way.

We are so blessed with peace in knowing the true Word of God.  The deeper I grow in my knowledge of it, the more sufficient I find it to be for teaching and guiding me in God’s ways.  I am so thankful to have married a man that values these truths in his daily life and glows with passion as he speaks of them.

I am also thankful that I am not a beautiful blonde psalmist.

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The Simplicity of Encouragement

Oct23

Encouragement in the New Testament

Not long ago, I challenged my readers to be First Thessalonians Five Women.  I was referring specifically to verses 11-15 that say this:

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.  We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.  And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle,  encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.“

This passage is packed with urges to encourage, build up, esteem, help, and do good to one another.  In Romans 12:8 we see that some of God’s people are particularly gifted at encouraging others, and should therefore use that gift to serve the kingdom of God.  We read in the letter to the Colossians (Col. 4:8) and the Ephesians (Eph. 6:22) that Tychicus was sent to them specifically to encourage their hearts. Timothy was sent the Thessalonians (Thes. 3:2) for that very same purpose, to encourage them in their faith.

The book of Titus urges us, especially elders and teachers, to encourage one another with sound teaching (Ti. 1:9, 2:15).  We can also conclude that Paul’s epistles were written, in large part, with the intent to encourage brothers and sisters in Christ.  Hebrews 3:13 casts a call to all believers to “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

It is clear that God desires his children to encourage one another and to be encouraged by others.  He not only spells it out as a command, but he also provides us with everything we need to do it.  He shows us by example what it looks like to encourage another by being a source of encouragement himself and filling scripture with examples of those who encouraged others in the faith.  He gives us the Holy Spirit and even provides the words we need to be encouraging to others.  Additionally, we’re told sin’s deceitfulness is especially threatening to those who are not encouraged.

This encouragement thing seems simple, but important.  Are we really doing it?  Are we receiving it? Is it a part of our daily life as we are told it should be? 

What IS encouragement?

To answer these questions, we will start with a definition of the concept.  According to Vine’s Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words, the word “encourage” is translated from the following Greek words:

  • protrepo: meaning “to urge forward” or “persuade” (Acts 18:27)
  • paramutheomai: meaning “with counsel, advice” (1 Thessalonians 2:11 & 5:14)
  • paraklesis: meaning “a calling to one’s aid” (Hebrews 6:18)

*Please note that none of the above words are characterized by praise, approval, or happiness.

It is not surprising to find these three words are represented by the same English word “encourage” because they are quite synonymous in their given contexts.  The more vital part of our understanding here will only come by combining these simple definitions with the primary goal of our encouraging actions.  We know what it means to urge, persuade, advise, and aid, but in order to do it correctly we must understand which direction is “forward” and the ultimate purpose of our persuasion.

We know we are to encourage one another, but to what end? As Psalm 64:5 tells us, encouragement can point towards evil just as plausibly as it can point towards good.  We serve a holy God that desires our encouragement to serve his purposes, which are distinctly good.  Biblical encouragement will always, always, always serve others by pushing them towards holiness in the race that is set before them.

What it is NOT

I have taken the time to state the obvious here, because I’ve come to realize it is not always that obvious.  As we have taken God’s Word and interpreted it for ourselves, we have misplaced the biblical meaning and context of the word ”encouragement”.  We often identify encouragement by the positive feelings it inspires in us, feelings that make us feel good about ourselves, our goals, our actions.  We feel encouraged by words and gestures that urge us forward in our own ambitions.  We often feel discouraged by words and gestures that urge us to stop what we are doing or change our direction.

One dictionary defines encourage in this way, “to show support or approval.”  Support and approval feel good, but good feelings are not always holy feelings.  We have narrowed our understanding of encouragement to the equivalent of complements and praise, and we’ve done so at a high cost – (1) the loss of those things that are truly, biblically encouraging and (2) an inability to recognize biblical encouragement when we encounter it.

Let me simplify:

We are commanded to urge [or encourage] one another forward.

“Forward,” as a Christian, must mean towards God’s holiness and away from evil.

Sanctification is a life-long, sin-ridden journey that begs for authentic, biblical encouragement.

Words of affirmation or praise that do not spur another on towards holiness lack the essential quality of biblical encouragement.

Limiting your definition of encouragement to “feel-good” messages neglects the need for encouragement in the form of conviction, rebuke, correction, calls to repentance, and other less pleasant persuasions towards holiness.

This modern idea that encouragement is always affirming and feels good has infiltrated our culture, our relationships, and even our churches.  Pastors are accused of failing to encourage their flocks if their messages are heavily grounded in Scripture, call their people to repent, or simply fail to inspire happy feelings.  We are accused of being judgemental or down right mean for acknowledging sin in another’s life and urging them to turn from it.  We fail to rejoice in the encouragement we are receiving because we do not recognize it unless it resembles praise or shows favor to us in some way.

We have made encouragement into something it’s not, and we have accused true and eternally significant encouragement of treason.  This is dangerous ground.  Does encouragement “feel good” sometimes? Absolutely, but “feel good” can never be mistaken for it’s defining characteristic.

My Encouragement to You

This needs to change.

The way we approach encouragement needs to change.

The way we define, receive, and interpret encouragement needs to change. 

In my own life and perceptions, this needs to change. 

Are you up for it?

So I will ask you again: Are we encouraging one another? Are we being encouraged? Is it happening daily as we are told it should?

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I Learned It From My Husband: The Great Commission and Discipleship

Oct15
“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read previous posts in this series here.

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.” -Matthew 28:19-20

Last summer I helped a room full of kindergarteners memorize these verses using hand motions, dynamic speaking, and fun facial expressions.  The focus was on the “go” of course, which we yelled loud enough for the entire building to hear.  They loved the yelling, but the had NO idea what “disciple” meant, even after a week of Vacation Bible School lessons.  I’m sure you can relate to the feeling I had when I asked them, “What is a disciple?  Does anyone remember?” and most of them mumbled “Jesus” or “God” while the rest poked at their neighbors or hung sideways off their chairs.  *Sigh* Kindergarten.

Christians regard the above verses as part of what we call “The Great Commission.”  It’s the calling on all of God’s people to go into the world and share the good news of salvation found only through faith in Jesus Christ with every tribe, tongue, and nation.  Many of us know these verses by heart, just like my kindergarteners, and we understand the idea of the Great Commission.  Share the gospel, right? Is there any calling more important in our Christian walk?

There is more to this calling, though, and my husband and I have spent much of the past six months discussing it.  I have come to the conclusion that my understanding of the great commission was almost as incomplete as the children I taught.  It says to teach them “everything I have commanded you.”  Teach them.  Everything.

I have spent most of my Christian life thinking of the Great Commission as the basic calling to evangelize by sharing the Gospel of Christ.  Though I have understood that we are commanded to teach one another and build one another up, I tended to put that responsibility in a separate box than “make disciples of all nations.”  So what does it look like to fulfill the Great Commission by making disciples and building into them with the teachings of Christ?

I’m short on writing time this week, so I am going to leave you to dig deeper into this topic on your own if you wish, or possibly take this as an opportunity to chat with your husband and see what he thinks.  Here are some of the questions my husband and I have been talking through:

Do you feel that you have been “discipled” first by conversion to the Christian faith, and then by being taught to live as Christ has taught?

Is this “teaching” something we are supposed to do as individual Christians, or is it best left to the leaders in our churches?

What would it look like if every new believer at your church was provided an opportunity to be taught individually to grow in their faith by a more experienced believer?

What is the risk of fulfilling the “go and make” part of the Great Commission, and ignoring the “teaching” part?

I would love to hear your thoughts, or even better, I would love to hear that you chatted with your husband about the topic and looked into the Word together!

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Pastor Appreciation Month

Oct1

Did you know that many churches celebrate October as Pastor Appreciation month?  Whether your church participates in this fun reminder to appreciate the shepherds of our flocks, or you simply strive to appreciate them all year long, I want to encourage you take time this month to thank your pastor for his service in some way.

While it might seem like the leaders of your church are doing just fine without the extra encouragement, I can not say enough about the impact your kind words can have in a Pastor’s daily life.  Here are some simple ways to show your appreciation:

  • Pray for him every day this month, and let him know you are doing so.  Invite others to join you!
  • Send a card, leave a note on his desk, or write a quick email letting him know you appreciate his teaching and leadership and you are praying for him.
  • Let him know of a specific way he has helped you grow in your relationship with Christ.  (I think this is one of the most encouraging messages you can send to a pastor!)
  • Offer to help him out in a tangible way.  For example, bring the Youth Group to his house to rake leaves and take care of some yard work.  Offer to change the oil in his car or rotate his tires, if that is an area you are skilled in.      
  • Bring lunch to the church for the staff, or invite your pastor and his family into your home for dinner one night. 
  • Set up free babysitting one Friday or Saturday night so he and his wife can enjoy an evening out.
  • Consider ways you can be a blessing and encouragement to his wife.  (An encouraged wife often leads to an encouraged husband!)

What other ideas can you come up with? I’d love to hear your ideas and share them throughout the month here on the blog and on Facebook!

For some inspiration, check out these related posts: A Lonely Calling: Your Pastors Wife, and Helping Him Be A Helper .

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Join the Conversation!

Sep8

Can I ask you a Question?

I’d like to invite you to like Lamp on a Stand on Facebook today and ask you to join the conversation as we discuss true Christian fellowship:

Socializing is not the equivalent of fellowship.  My question for you to ponder: What IS Christian fellowship, and what sets it apart from a secular social gathering?

As I prepare to write on this topic in the near future, I value your input!

To like Lamp on a Stand on Facebook, simply click the “Like” button within the Facebook box along the sidbar of this webpage or search for Lamp on a Stand in the search tool provided at the top of your Facebook homepage.

*Clarification: The Facebook “Share” icon below this post will not connect you with the Lamp on a Stand Facebook page.  It simply “likes” this particular post and lets your Facebook friends know that you have read it and liked it.

The Heart of Worship

Aug20

I learned it from my husband.

“I learned it from my husband” is a regular tribute to all the ways my husband is fulfilling his role in my sanctification process as described in Ephesians 5:25-26 “…cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” You can read previous posts in this series here.

Scenario #1:

You’re standing in the pews on a Sunday morning, watching as your pastor or worship leader leads the congregation in song.  The music is comfortably familiar and you sing along while following the words in the hymnal or on an overhead screen.  You begin glancing around the room during the verses you know by heart, observing the adorable dress your pastor’s daughter is wearing today.  You notice the new family of five just wandered in a bit late, and you note that you should check with them after service about meeting for dinner later this week.  You fumble a few words and glance back at the page to “refocus.”  You hear a lovely voice from several rows behind you and spend the remainder of the song trying to figure out who could possibly be making that beautiful noise.  Your leader transitions to the next song.  You continue singing as you follow your rabbit trail of distracted thoughts.

Scenario #2

You’re attending a Christian conference you have been looking forward to for months.  The worship band opens the first session with songs you’ve heard on the radio, but never in your church at home.  You enjoy the change of rhythm, but you quickly notice that the people around you are not just singing different songs, but they’re doing hand motions and moving as they connect with the praise and worship music.  You begin to feel self-conscious, continuing to sing with your hands at your side looking straight ahead.  As you continue to sing, you can’t help but observe the emotional outpouring of a girl several rows in front of you, crying as she sings her heart out in the dim lights of the evening.  “Why aren’t I like that?” you wonder.  Am I less spiritual? Am I doing it wrong?  Is that what worship is supposed to look like?

Scenario #3 

Your church is having a week of “revival” services this week and praying for God to move in big ways.  You attend the first two nights and note that you feel like you are hanging out in the same spiritual slums you’ve been in for years now.  You think back to that mountain-top worship experience you had last summer with your bible study girls at the retreat, and you wonder why your church can’t seem to recreate that type of worship atmosphere.  You stand half-heartedly singing along to the same songs you always have, wishing your worship leader would pick better music like the band at your retreat.  In your mind, you list the changes you would make to the worship service that would make it easier to “feel” more worshipful.  You glance from side to side, reminding yourself of the lifeless looking rows of people who could really use a livelier worship experience.

Scenario #4

Someone at your church found out that you have a beautiful singing voice, and before you knew it you had been talked into singing with the worship band every Sunday morning.  You are thrilled to be noticed for your talent, but very nervous about what you should wear and how you will look in front of everyone.  As you sing your first service, you look out at the congregation and wonder what it is they are seeing in you.  What are they thinking? Do they like my voice? Do I look like a worship singer? Should I be raising my hands like that girl in Hillsong? Should I shout something enthusiastic, like “amen” after our leader reads scripture [kind of like one of the other singers does sometimes]?  If I don’t do these things, will the church think I am not worshipping correctly?  Maybe I should just close my eyes?

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Can you relate to any of these scenarios?  I certainly can.   After becoming a Christian, I wandered my way through each of these mindsets [and more] as I searched for my own idea of what worship was supposed to be for God’s people.  There is something very wrong with all of the above scenarios, and even as I lived through them (and at times still fall back into them), I could feel the grief of the Holy Spirit as I faked my way through these worship opportunities from Sunday to Sunday.  Why did worship seem so easy at times, while seeming so foreign and unachievable in others?

The truth was that I had a desire to truly, whole-heartedly worship, especially through song, but I did not have a correct understanding of what it actually meant to worship.  To complicate it further, instead of looking to God’s Word and the Holy Spirit for that understanding, I looked at other people and within my own feelings to come to my conclusions about worship.  Much of my motivation to worship in a certain way, as sad as it is, came from a desire to fit in among the body of believers.  As a result, my heart was not focused on God while I attempted to worship, but instead it was focused myself, my environment, and other people.

If you are experiencing any of the struggles I’m describing here, then what I am about to say to you is absolutely huge (and I learned it from my husband):

Worship is the overflow of your heart’s response to who God is and the presence of the Holy Spirit.

True worship is not something that can be acheived by our own efforts to honor God and present him with an offering.  It must be the outpouring of affection, praise, and adoration that comes from a heart that is exploding with the realities of an incredible God.  It must be a response to God revealing himself to you.  This might seem like an obvious point here, but the commonly experienced scenarios above are an indication that many of us fail to completely grasp this.

John 4:23-24 says, “But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

I hear my husband use the phrase “in spirit and truth” almost daily as he prays for God to fill our worship and inspire our daily living.  To worship in spirit and truth as God desires us to, it requires us to know God spiritually, in the spiritual realm, and meditate on truth which is found in scripture.  As I have shared before, for this reason it is important that your worship leader uses music that is filled with biblical truth about God and richly filled with the Gospel message.

While it is important that the person leading your congregation in worship is using theologically rich music, it is equally important that you are living a theologically rich life.  In order to experience the deep, genuine worship we long for as Christians, we must be diligently seeking to know what is true about our God, and binding that truth to our hearts.

When I find myself falling back into one of the above scenarios, I now recognize the error in both my present focus, my goals, and my spiritual health.  My mind is not focused on who God is and the incredible work he has done through my savior, Jesus Christ.  I am seeking to create my own worshipful experience, rather than seeking closeness with God by meditating on the truth He has revealed to me through his word.  I might be harboring sin without repentance, and that is putting a road block in my ability to worship in spirit.  I may have spent my days and hours prior to worship service preparing everything but my heart.  I will not experience genuine worship when my focus is on myself, my abilities, my present circumstances, other people, or external factors.  Rather, genuine worship will only flow out of a heart that is focused on the God of the Bible.

Hebrews 12:28-29 states, “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”

I love this verse, especially the phrase “God is a consuming fire.”  I love it because it is true and I have tasted this truth.  If the focus of our hearts and minds is on fully knowing the one true God, we will be left in reverence and awe, consumed by His fire.  It makes perfect sense that our “mountain top” experiences happen in moments we have been emersed in biblical teaching and Christ-centered fellowship such as retreats and conferences.  In those environments, the “ease” of our worship is directly correlated with the ease of our focus on God.

My hope is that in the moments you find yourself ”faking” your way through a worship service, you will stop yourself from considering the external factors or reflecting on the ways worship was “better” during the conference you recently attended.  Instead, evaluate your heart and the focus of your mind.  Repent of sin.  Meditate on the truth within the song you are singing, or simply repeat scripture to yourself that focuses your mind on who God is and the incredible things he has done.  Outside of worship service, consider the health of your spiritual walk, and take steps to increase your obedience to God in everyday life.

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If you liked this post you might also enjoy I learned it from my husband: Theology Matters, Submission Recognition II, or The Bible as the Standard of Truth.

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A God Honoring Bachelorette Party

Jul5

Some friends of ours are getting married this upcoming Saturday.  It is a Christian couple who fully believes in God’s design for marriage, and I could not be more thrilled for them.  Attending a wedding where both the bride and groom are more in love with God than they are with one another is an experience like no other.  My husband and I are so blessed to be invited.

Earlier this week, I had the honor and privilege of throwing a pre-wedding celebration for the bride.  Some may call it a bachelorette party mixed with a personal shower, but we just called it a ladies night out.  I thought I would share about the format of the night to provide some ideas for any Christian women looking to do a tasteful pre-wedding celebration for a young bride in their life.  Here is a run-down of the event:

Choosing a Date: When you are celebrating with a bride who is determined to stay sexually pure until her wedding night, I can not stress enough that it is important to have this party as close to the wedding as possible.  Gathering a group of ladies together to shower her with sexy nightwear and advice for intimacy months in advance is a sure-fire way to leave her more eager than ever for the wedding night, and this does not help her quest for purity! We chose an evening during the week of the wedding.

Guest List and Invites: This kind of gathering is best kept small due to the personal nature of the evening and for the comfort level of the bride.  We kept the list under 12 people, which was actually fairly large.  The group was made up of married women of various ages and stages of life with whom the bride felt comfortable spending the evening.  I only invited married women for two primary reasons: 1) To protect single women from shopping for nightwear and participating in topics of discussion that may tempt them to think impure thoughts. 2) Married women can provide wisdom and insight to the bride from personal experience.  I would recommend inviting guests privately at least two weeks in advance.

Guest instructions:  Guests were informed that this was a ladies night out and although gifts were not required, if they felt comfortable bringing a gift of a more personal nature they were welcome to do so.  (All the guests jumped at the opportunity to bring beautiful nightwear for the bride!)  I provided the sizing information, but also requested that they keep in mind that our bride is a classy lady, so keep the gifts classy and/or comfortable.  Our bride was nervous about receiving items that would be out of her comfort zone, and our guests did a great job of respecting her wishes and buying very tasteful gifts.

The schedule:  The basic layout of the evening began with dinner at a restaurant chosen by the bride followed by dessert and gifts at my home.  Reservations were made in advance and we had a table for twelve.  The cost of the bride’s meal was covered by the group, of course.  We met for dinner at 6:30.  I welcomed everyone and thanked them for attending, then shared with them the plan for the evening.  We would get settled in at the table, order our meals, and then begin the ”activity” planned for the evening.

The Activity: The bride was nervous about feeling uncomfortable or nervous during the evening, which should be expected of a women that has focused so much of her heart on remaining pure before the wedding.  We also had an interesting mix of ladies that were all acquainted with the bride, but not really close with one another.  These two factors led to my decision to facilitate the discussion for the evening in a way that would take the focus off of the young bride and also encourage interaction between the guests in a way that would not leave room for uncomfortable silence or someone feeling left out of conversations.  I put together a list of questions and instructed the guests that they had been appointed as the bride’s personal panel of experts on issues relating to the wedding, honeymoon, early marriage, and the bedroom.  As a courtesy, I printed all of the questions out for the ladies and allowed them to look ahead to prepare themselves.  Throughout the night, questions were read and the ladies discussed their answers with each other and the bride.  We started the panel questions in the restaurant after food was ordered and we had prayed.  The format provided that the less personal questions were discussed in the restaurant, and the more intimate questions were saved for the privacy of my home during gifts and dessert.  I will provide the list of questions I came up with at the end of this post and I do not mind if you take them for your own use.

Gift Opening:  When the guests arrived at my home after dinner, I offered drinks (both hot and cold, non-alcoholic) and by the request of the group did not serve dessert until later.  I started the gift opening time by reading an excerpt from the book “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ” edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor.  This book is a collection of writings by Christian authors I respect on the topic of sex that focuses heavily on the goodness of sex as it was created by God.  After reading, I gave the book to the bride as a part of her gift.  I then instructed the group that we would spread out the gift opening by discussing one or two questions in between each gift.  This worked out very well and the bride felt this made the experience much more comfortable for herself and the guests.

Dessert: After all the gifts were opened and we had completed all but the last discussion question, I served dessert which was a lovely spread of strawberry shortcake and a pan of some kind of chocolate option.  We then sat down with our dessert and discussed the last question.

Overall Feedback: This format provided a great evening of laughter, new friendships, and re-newed passions for marriage and even the marriage bed.  A gathering of Christian women who are eager to talk about God’s plan for marriage and sex is such a refreshing environment for a young bride who is too often surrounded by the world’s messages about marriage and sex.  She was able to hear from women of all ages that marriage can still be a passionate, sexual relationship decades into the covenant.  Guests left feeling encouraged even in their own marriages and I heard comments like, “This was incredible, if only every young bride could have this experience before her wedding day,” and “this was not awkward at all!”  For me, this evening gave me a new confidence that conservative Christian women can gather together and talk about sex in a God honoring way that truly blesses the bride.  Some guests have mentioned that they would love to do something like this more often, if only given the opportunity.

If you are planning a pre-wedding celebration for a young bride, feel free to make use of these ideas for your evening.  While I might not be blessed to host such an evening again, I pray that others will be encouraged by a night like this one.

Here is the list of questions we used, but you can easily come up with some of your own or modify those provided:

Wedding day:

What was your most memorable wedding day moment?

Share one thing about your husband that helped convince you he was “the one.”

Did you have any doubts or fears on your wedding day? How did you overcome them?

Describe the cutting of the cake? Clean or messy?

Share about something that went wrong on your wedding day and how it was resolved.

If you could re-live your wedding day, what is one thing you would change?

What is your best wedding day advice?

Honeymoon:

Where did you go for your honeymoon and have you ever gone back?

Be honest, how much of your honeymoon was spent in bed?!

What were the emotions of the honeymoon? Good and bad?

What is your best honeymoon advice?

Early Marriage:

What are some of the small ways that you and your husband had to “adjust” in the beginning of your marriage? (Examples: TP direction, toothpaste squeeze)

Were there any surprises (for you or your husband)? (Examples: an unexpected habit or hygiene problem).

What did you like most about being married or being a wife in the beginning?

How did you adapt to your new role as a wife and where did you struggle most?

Share some areas of your marriage that you had imagined one way but in reality they were quite different?  Were there some disappointments? If so, what did you do with them?

Before children, how did you and your husband cultivate spiritual unity?

What were your biggest stresses in your early marriage and how did you work through them?

If you could start over, would you approach anything differently?

What is your best overall marriage advice for the new bride?

Romance and the Marriage Bed

What are some things that you and your husband do to cultivate romance in your marriage?

Share some favorite date night ideas.

It is always said that success in intimacy is all about communication, would you agree and can you provide any examples of how this has been true in a marriage?

Do you have any good wedding night blooper stories? They don’t have to be your own, but please leave out names!

Intimacy can be complicated, what would you recommend a new bride do (or NOT do) if she is struggling with how things are going in the bedroom? What about the groom?

Before you were married, what advice did you receive from others about the wedding night and sex? Was any of it bad?

Be practical, any basic tips the bride can take with her on the honeymoon? (Example: Things to bring, how to get started, what to do afterwards.)

We live in a world that tells us a lot about sex, are there any messages out there that are important to ignore or label as lies?

What is your best bedroom advice? Don’t be shy!

Photobucket

First Impressions

Jul5

I glanced into my empty coffee cup one morning with plans to grab a refill, and this is what I found.  What was left in the cup had formed into a shape we all can recognize, a heart.  I snapped the picture and shared it on Facebook without a caption, knowing that all who look at it will not need any help seeing it.  Your first impression of this image is probably something like this: an empty cup, previously filled with coffee, now holding a small portion of coffee that has pooled into a heart shape.

I have been thinking a lot about first impressions lately and the pressure to always make a ”good” one.  As a family in ministry, it can be easy to consider a “good” first impression to be a flawless presentation of self, pure and righteous, worthy to be followed and respected.  There is a temptation to try to be the person that you think others expect you to be, and strive for perfection in meeting their expectations.  This kind of thinking not only leads you to a self-focused approach to ministry and an overall self-centered way of life, but it also misleads your fellow Christians into believing that they too should strive to live similarly.

Recently my prayers have often lingered on a desire to present myself to others in a way that pleases God and not other people.  I have frequented Paul’s epistles as I have pondered God’s idea of a “good” first impression, and I find myself relieved by Paul’s transparency and humility as he ministered to the churches, pastors, and brothers in Christ through his letters.  While Paul was a man of God worthy to be followed and respected, he always drew his authority from the call of God on his life and the power of the holy spirit within him only by grace through faith in Christ Jesus.  He did not shy away from sharing the depth of his sinfulness and the depravity from which Christ rescued him.

I love what is written in 1 Timothy 12-17 (HCSB):

I give thanks to Christ Jesus our Lord who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, appointing me to the ministry— one who was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an arrogant man. But I received mercy because I acted out of ignorance in unbelief. And the grace of our Lord overflowed, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” —and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ Jesus might demonstrate His extraordinary patience as an example to those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

“I am the worst of them,” he says.  Paul’s words to Timothy help me forget the pressures of “good” first impressions.  I do have a desire for others to perceive me in a certain way, but it is definitely not a picture of a flawless pastor’s wife who has it all together and has nothing to be ashamed of in her life.  I want to be seen for what I truly am: A sinner who has received mercy and grace in Jesus Christ.  A sinner who can only boast in Jesus Christ, Jesus who has extraordinary patience with me as I repeatedly fail to do good.  A sinner who is so grateful for the grace that has been given to her that she can not help but share about her maker and her savior and give him the glory for all that is good in her life.

I want people to know that I was once filled with sinful desires and worldly passions, following nothing but the course of this world and acting as though God did not exist.  I want them to know that I have been redeemed through Jesus Christ and the holy spirit is within me, but that sanctification is a grueling process at times.  More than anything, I want them to know that I am the farthest thing from perfect, but grace and mercy abound in my life because of the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

So, basically, I have been thinking a lot about what it would look like if we were able to completely abandon our concern for self-glorifying first impressions and consistently expose ourselves as redeemed sinners with hungry hearts for more of God’s love and grace in our lives.  Just as you were able to identify the heart in the picture above, I want others to be able to look at my life from the outside and identify the heart behind my words and actions without a caption or explanation.  I realize it is not that simple, and explanations can add much more to your living testimony, but I can imagine very few people coming in contact with Paul for more than a minute without knowing his heart was focused on the glory of God rather than his own “good” image.

Sadly, modern ministry has somehow distracted many into thinking that first impressions are about looking attractive to outsiders.  I pray that my motives will move further and further away from this kind of thinking.  I feel like this is a topic I revisit year after year because of the recurring temptation to please others before pleasing God.

How have you encountered this kind of temptation, and what keeps you focused on Christ in a world full of man-centered expectations?

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I learned it from my husband.

Jun22

Ryan leads worship at our church.  He is an incredibly talented musician, but what equips him for this aspect of his job is not his musical abilities.  Without question, it is the work of the Holy Spirit bringing him pure motives and a biblical understanding of worship.  He has taught me that the music we sing on Sunday mornings is not about our own spiritual experience.  It is not about a feeling or an emotional connection with God through a song, though those feelings and connections are sometimes the overflow.  It’s not about raising hands and lifting your eyes to the heavens.  It’s not even about sounding good, though sounding good is important.  When my husband leads worship, it’s all about the Gospel, scriptural truth, and a pure heart.  It’s about bringing glory to God by focusing on God, not ourselves.  My husband has taught me that the songs we sing on Sunday morning can be used by the Spirit to speak truth into people’s hearts, and this is why it is vital that the songs he chooses are filled with lyrics that represent God’s word purely and accurately.  Through music, a worship leader can teach God’s commands and promises to the people.  He can use this time of song to bring focus to the preaching of the Word and to the Gospel.  It is so much more than singing a few nice songs about loving God.

My husband has taught me that it is important to communicate the Gospel during the worship music, and it can be done quite easily.  Whether you have realized it or not, you may discover that the worship leader at your church is doing the same thing.  He might be including the full message of the Gospel in a single song, or he may use a series of songs that include all parts of the Gospel message when sang together.  I encourage you to pay close attention to the words you sing on Sunday morning, and observe the truth being taught through the music.  Remember to focus on God, not on yourself and not on your worship leader.

A Lonely Calling?

Jun13

A few months ago, I heard a local pastor tell a room full of Christians that they need to care for their pastors’ wives.  He said something like, “Many people don’t realize it, but the loneliest person in the church is often the pastor’s wife.”  He then explained that when problems arise in a congregation, the pastor’s wife is the silent witness to some of the ugliest moments between the sheep and their shepherd.

His words struck me, partly because they seemed out-of-place in the topic at hand, but more so because I am the wife of one of our pastors and I didn’t like the word “lonely” used to describe me.  I am blessed to be able to say that I feel abundantly loved and cared for by my friends and family, while I know others in the church find themselves in a desperate battle of loneliness that I have never endured.

I did, however, understand the struggle he was describing as loneliness.  For weeks now, I have been tossing his words around in my head and considering the weight of their implication.  My husband has only been an associate pastor for 18 [truly blissful] months, and he has never served in the role of head pastor, so my personal experience with this “loneliness” has been limited.  However, my friendships with several experienced pastors’ wives have filled some of the gaps of my understanding and helped me to put this loneliness into words.

So here it is, a list of what you might expect as a pastor’s wife that some may describe as lonely:

  • It is serving as the primary confidant to an imperfect man who is somewhat of a professional confidant to a mass of sinful, struggling, quarreling, angry, lonely, sad, and lost people.

 

  • It is watching the person you love and trust with all your heart serve in one of the most heavily criticized professions in our culture, always knowing that one wrong step or poorly delivered phrase could stir up enough fuss to cost him his job, split a church, or simply disrupt lives for months at a time.

 

  • It is feeling the burden and weight of public opinion on his every word, action, and decision, but having no power in yourself to control how others perceive and react.

 

  • It is waiting through a day after your husband has publicly voiced his stance on a controversial topic and anxiously wondering who will call today to announce they are leaving your church.

 

  • It is watching your husband pour himself into long hours of ministry service, preparation for Sunday mornings, administrative tasks, hospital visits, phone calls, meetings, and counseling while often cutting short time with you and the children.  Then, it is sitting quietly in a routine business meeting and hearing members raise concerns that he is not putting in enough hours.

 

  • It is fully trusting in your husband’s spiritual leadership and knowledge, but knowing that there are those that will doubt both his motives and ability without valid cause.

 

  • It is sitting at home with your children, helping them to enjoy their day, while knowing your husband is sitting in a private meeting across town where he is being bluntly told of his every weakness and continually starved for encouraging words.

 

  • It is knowing that every seasoned church member has a clear idea of what a “pastor’s wife” should be, and politely smiling as they notify you that you have fallen short of their expectations once again.

 

  • It is sitting with a friend and fellow church member to have coffee, enjoying a cheerful conversation, and then hearing a misinformed rumor that has been floating among the congregation or an unfair criticism towards a recent change made at church, but having no position or authority to voice the correct information.  It is continuing your coffee date with a smile, as though this information isn’t eating you up inside.

 

  • It is pretending that the dynamics between staff members at the church are blissful, when in reality the entire office is struggling to see eye to eye.

 

  • It is praying for God to bring a friend into your life that does not view you as “the pastor’s wife” or her next mentor, or super spiritual and strong, or a great source of bible knowledge.  It is sometimes accepting that these friendships may only come through long distance communication. (56% of pastor’s wives say they have no close friends.)

 

  • It is putting aside your own emotions towards all of the above mentioned stresses, knowing that the last thing your tired man of God needs is a sobbing wife telling him that his job is taking a toll on YOU.

I suppose I could keep writing and further convince myself that being a pastor’s wife is in fact quite lonely, but I am sure if you have experience in this area you can write a list twice as long.  The interesting thing about this list, however, is many of the lonesome moments are rooted in the many difficulties that confront the pastors of our churches every day.

While I understand that the pastor who spoke of this loneliness was kindly encouraging the congregation to care for their pastor’s wives, I can not help but believe that the best way to do that is to care for our PASTORS.  I am reminded of Hebrews 13:17:

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. (Hebrews 13:17 ESV)

This verse often brings a feeling of sadness into my heart, knowing all too well that it is not a command well-swallowed in American churches.  The statistics regarding pastoral “burn out” and stress factors impacting their family and daily life are astounding.  I am left imagining what church life could be like for our pastors if all Christians considered this verse to be one of their highest priorities as they serve within their local church bodies.

Can you imagine the impact this would have on a statistic that says, “1,500 pastors leave their ministries each month due to burnout, conflict, or moral failure,” or “52% of pastors say they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family’s well-being and health,” (According to the New York Times, August 1, 2010).  After weeks of tossing around the words of that local pastor, I am left to conclude that the best way to love your pastor’s wife is to be obedient to the call of Hebrews 13:17 and support your pastor. 

As for me, I take the same command very seriously and am uniquely situated to encourage one of my pastors by being an excellent wife to him.  While seeking to serve in my role as his wife in a way that brings honor and glory to God, I am blessing him with love and encouragement that will impact his role as pastor.  I pray that I will never forget that my service priority as a pastor’s wife is to be my husband’s helper, not to become the ideal female servant within the church. 

By God’s grace, my service in the church would bring him glory, but I am called to serve my husband first and that is not a burden or a lonely calling when done by the power of the Holy Spirit.

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If you liked this post you might also enjoy The First of Many: The Titus 2 Woman, or First Impressions.

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